Writings

Hurt

A/N: This is gonna be so random. I'm not even gonna worry about grammar. Sorry, I'm just really upset and I think my best friend went to be so she can't talk me down rn. So this is gonna be sad and idrc. So yeah. Only posting bc my best friend requested. I'll explain how I was feeling a couple days ago. Enjoy my sadness!

~Samm^~^

this hurts. it hurts really bad. i feel like i'm falling apart. it's stupid though. i know it's not true but it still hurts. i can't stop crying. i can't hardly breathe. why does this hurt so much? it's not like he knows me. i really wish he did. i really wish he was mine. could my heart be breaking? is that what this pain means? is that why when i see him with someone, i feel so utterly destroyed? he's my sun, my happiness but not when i see him with someone. that's what hurts. he's not even hers. he's no ones but his own. why can't i stop crying though? why am i falling apart? it's just a stupid picture. it shouldn't hurt this much. i shouldn't be this broken up about it. he takes photos with fans all the time. why does this one cause me so much pain? i think it's bc i'm in love with him. i think its bc he doesn't know that. i think its bc he never will. he'll never know what he means to me. he'll never know the way he makes me feel. why you ask? bc i'll never get to meet him to tell him. he doesn't even know i'm alive. why would he want to? i'm nothing special. i couldn't compare to her. she's beautiful. i'm far from it. how could i be stupid enough to think that i could have a chance? how could i let myself be fooled into thinking i could win his heart? he wouldn't even give me a passing glance. but i can't blame him. i'd ignore me too. i'd walk right on by me too. bc i'm just a stupid girl. i'm not a model or even pretty. i'm just so stupid. i'm so in love with him and he doesn't care. he doesn't know. that's what hurts the most. i don't want to say that i'm jealous. i have no right to be. he's not mine. he doesn't even know me. but seeing him with her is killing me. it's slowly tearing me apart. it hurts so much. and i can't make it stop. i don't wanna hurt like this. i don't wanna cry like this. i don't want my heart to ache like this. i don't want this pain. i just want him. i want to be in his arms. i want to be the one that has all of his attention. i want to be the one that girls are jealous of. i want to be his one. but i can't and that's breaking me apart. that's hurting me so much. what do you do when the one that makes you happy is also the one that breaks you? how does he break me so easily? god, it hurts. why can't i be his? why do i have to just be me? why can't i be with him? this is killing me. the only one that gets it is the one that's not on. i need her to talk me down. but i don't think it'll work at this point. it's already gone too far. the thoughts in my head.... it hurts. that's all i can say. i don't like seeing him with someone else. no one understands. it hurts so bad. so bad that not even images of him will help. bc all i'll see is him with her. i'm not strong enough for this. i don't want to go through this. he's the sun and i'm just the forgotten pluto. the universe revolves around him and i'm just floating out in space trying to reach him. he'll never see me. i'm too far away. he'll never love me, the way i love him. he'll never see me, as purely as i see him. when i close my eyes all i see is that photo. i didn't think it would hurt this much. it never has before. i've seen dozens of photos of him with girls. but they never hurt like this one. he doesn't know me. he doesn't love me. i don't deserve him. i don't even deserve to be in his orbit. how could i ever? i'm broken, damaged goods. who wants that? i'm broken and nothing can fix me. i've tried. how could he love me? my own best friend left me when she got a better offer. she found someone better. they always do. even k will find better. shelbs probably has. that's why i haven't heard from her. that's why it's been so long. i'm so broken. i'm so hurt. i'm so unimportant. i'm so alone. i'm nothing good. i'm a mess. a horrible, broken, stupid, ridiculous, childish, screwed up mess. i don't blame linzy for leaving. what good was i to her? apparently none or she'd still be here. no one notices me. so why should he? why should he care about me? why should he love me? i'm a mess. i hate this. i hate this pain. i hate not being his. i hate it. he's always on my mind and i'm never on his. i can't find better than him. how could i? he's an angel and i'm nothing but a speck of dirt. i should have expected this. nothing good ever happens for me. i don't deserve it. i never will. he's breaking my heart. the one that's in his hands. he can keep it. it only causes me pain. it only hurts me. it only lets me down. i should have learned by now to never get my hopes up. i should have known. i shouldn't have let myself. get attached. i should have never let myself fall in love. i was warned. it would only hurt. they were right ofc. i don't blame him for finding someone better. not that i had a chance. i still don't even if he's not with her. i'm not worth his time. i'm not worthy of him, or kate, or shelby or linzy or anyone. i'm just not. i should have resigned myself to that before it started. i shouldn't let myself get attached or love. they can all do so much better. why do i keep checking my notifications? she'd have answered by now if she was awake. or maybe she wouldn't. she can do better than me as a friend. she deserves better than me. i don't deserve a best friend like her. idk how i got to be best friends with her but i don't deserve it. she's the brightest star and i'm just not. i'm not even a star. i don't even compare. things were going so great for me and then... life had to ruin that. but i guess it was due to happen. i guess i deserve it. tbh i deserve worse. i definitely don't deserve him. i don't deserve to know about him. that photo has made that abundantly clear. but i can't bring myself to stop loving him. i don't deserve love. i don't. life's proven that, time and again. could i have been thrown a bigger sign? this just proves that i don't belong in his life. i don't deserve to even be his fan. i don't deserve to love him. she's better for him than me. what could i give him? nothing. but i love him. i can't help that. it's not my fault. it's not my fault that i'm me. it's not my fault i fell in love with him. he'll never see all the pretty words i wrote about him. if you can call anything i do pretty. the ppl that have read them say they are but they're beautiful so they should know. they think i'm talented. get real. i'm far from it. i just have too much time on my hands. how can someone believe in me when i can't believe in myself. i believe more in k and shelbs than i do in me. i'm such a hypocrite! i can tell them they're beautiful and "worth it" but i can't tell myself that. i can see the beauty in them but not myself. i can see the light in them but not me. all i see in myself is the dark. all i see in myself is flaws. bc that's what i am. a flaw. what made me think i could call him mine? what made me think i could ever call him mine? and once again, i'll probably cry myself to sleep. wouldn't be new. and i'm just rambling. maybe i should stop this. maybe i'm just too emotional for him. maybe i should just go to bed. i'm so tired now. but i guess it's good that i've stopped crying. maybe tomorrow will be better. maybe tomorrow i'll talk to her and show her this. this think that i've written that i'm scared to post. i don't want anyone to know how i feel. the things that i keep hidden away. the things and feelings that i don't want the world to know. that i don't even want my best friend to know. but i know i'll tell her. i know i'll send this to her. i just know it. and i know i'll tell her how close i was to doing something bad. something, i'm afraid to start. something i know that if i do, i'll never overcome. i know i'll tell her bc she's my best friend. and she means everything to me. i just don't know how i'll tell her. tell her the thoughts that went through my head writing this. how close i was to... it was in reach... the wonder... the possibility... the thought that's still going through my head... how close i still am to... to something i know she wouldn't want... something that would hurt her, a thing i never want to do... i thing i've thought about before... a thing that perks my curiosity... a thing i know isn't good... a thing that i know she wouldn't want me to do... a thing that would break her heart to know i was... she wants me happy... i just wish i could be... happy for her... but this... i just... it hurts... it hurts so much and only she understands. only she knows how this feels. i just wish i could tell her in the moment. why do i keep torturing  myself by looking at the picture over and over? it only hurts but i can't stop... she can sing too... this just adds the list of hell this girl has put me through in just a few hours time. my heart says "he's mine." but my head says "no way." maybe i  should just change lanes for good. might save me some pain. i thought his lane was chill. guess i was wrong.

A/N: Sorry, it's so sad and all over the place but I was having an emotional breakdown. I was losing my mind. So, I'm sorry for the sadness. I'm okay now though.(1905 words. O_O)

~Samm^~^