Writings

Again

A/N: unplanned, unedited. idk what this is gonna be but okay.

~Samm :/

and here we are back. the endless cycle. this is sick. it happens every time. why aren't i stronger? why don't i see it coming? it happens the same every time. and it brings it back. but this time it's daylight. so the demon doesn't hide. he's standing right in front of me. i know what he wants. but can i give it to him? am i really that weak to give into his taunts? i much be bc i'm thinking about it. she's with him again and bringing me down. i'm ready to run. i really am. i'm ready to take the demon's hand and let him lead me where he pleases. if it hell, then it's hell. if it burns, then i deserve it. why does she always break me? push me off the building, demon. it's finally your turn. i'm giving you permission. take your chance. you may never get one like this. i quit. i'm done. why bother trying? she's won. obviously. i knew i didn't deserve him. knew i could never win him. so i give. no one seems to care. maybe i'll take tyler's advice and "pull the steering wheel". maybe i'll stay under the covers and never leave them. demon, you've won. you've won so many of these battles the war should go to you. my heart hurts. please stop squeezing it. please take me from this hell into another. one where i won't have to see him with her. one that won't make me cry so often. one where i won't have a dark cloud. one that hurts less than this. take me to where all the dead characters go. that's all i am. i was happy. i was fine. everything was good. i knew my limits. but now, it hurts. it's back that pain. its back that cloud. this darkness. this hatred. this fear. this doubt. and who's there to talk me down? no one. she's at school having fun. what do i matter? the one who understands is at school. okay. fine. whatever. it doesn't matter. i don't matter. demon, just take me. is it odd that i feel safer with you? i had this happy streak going. i was writing happy and it was lasting. but then she appeared and now i'm destroyed all over. it hurts just as bad as the first time. but why can't i cry? is that something else you've taken from me, demon? just hand me my mask. i don't want them to worry. i'll throw it on and walk out the door. hide, demon. i don't want them to see you. i'm better off with you than him. it seems all he does is hurt me. i'm ready to jump. ready to fall head first. i'll put on my false smile. i've been working on it. i hope it believable. will you carry me bag, demon? it only has the essentials. now that music's failed me, i only have my books. maybe we could play a card game when we get there. i brought those too. i'll keep my tattered notebook to scribble in while i'm there. not that anyone will read them anymore. maybe when i get there, i can create a world like jk's. or maybe something different. i don't know what hell will hold. can we watch star wars? the flash? i'd really miss barry if i couldn't watch anymore. will you read my work, dark angel? i need an audience. not that anyone cares. i'm just an insignificant, organism. maybe i'm a bacteria. maybe they found the cure. i've infected too many. someone find the cure for me. those people don't deserve the burden that is me. so take me away to where i belong. i guess i wasn't fit for earth or for love. or even friendship. i'm horrible at both. they all run off when they get the chance. so why bother trying. i know i'm gonna fail. i know she's gonna win and i know i'm gonna lose. so why should i try? why should i care? no one else seems to. what am i to do? no one sticks by me. they all have better. they all deserve better. and once more i'm thinking of things the night usually brings. i guess things have flopped. please let me leave. it's all that will help. i can't stay confined in this space. i need to leave and find a new place to hold me for awhile. but that'll never happen. but still. i'm ready to run. i'm ready to leave. i want out. i hate it here. i hate it in this life. i'm put through too much. i want to leave. i want to go away. i want out of this house. out of this life. i hate everything here. i hate this feeling. i hate these things that happen to me. i hate that i can't be happy. why did this happen to me? i hate being alone. i hate this dark cloud. i hate this demon. i hate you, demon! leave me alone! why can't i just have that? why can't i have the life i had before? why did you ruin it? ruin me. why? what did i do wrong? why am i so wrong? why do i exist? why can't things go good for me for just a little while? why do you always have to destroy it? why do you have to take my happy and set it on fire right before my eyes? get me out! set me free. someone help! someone save me from this hell. please don't let him win. i want to be happy but i can't. i want out but i can't be. i can't save myself. i can't be what i want to be. i can't be someone else. i want to so bad but i can't. all the things i want i can't have. i want a friend that's close. i want him. i want a better life. i want to be away from this hell. i want freedom i can't have. i want everything i can't have. i want a life i can't have. i want a boy who doesn't know i exist. i want friends that are too far away. i want a life that's out of reach. i want everything that's out of reach. i want and hope and wish and feel and need things i can't ever have. i wish it didn't hurt like this. i don't want to be angry. i don't want to be sad. i just want to be happy. why can't i? why can't i get what i want? maybe i want too much. is that why? do i ask for too much? do i want too much? do i beg for too much? am i that much of a bother? am i that much of a burden? should i just quit now? give up? i just wish for better. for everyone. but i can't make that happen. i can't be enough. i can't fix anything. not even myself. i'm broken and hurt and i can't change that. i guess it's what i deserve. it's that right, demon?

A/N: sorry. that was sad and dark but whatever. idc anymore. just whatever. 

~Samm :/