Writings

Invisible

A/N: This isn't gonna make sense to anyone but then again when do any of my posts make sense. Anyway, slight back story on it. It was a conversation with my best friend. We were talking about something that I'm not gonna bring up. This is only my side of it. I'm not gonna give you the context of the conversation. I changed it up a bit to protect the topic of conversation. So enjoy I guess. Bear in mind these are my actual thoughts and feelings. So... Yeah..
~Samm🙈💭💚

Honestly, I saw that picture of them together sooner but I didn't tell you. I knew if I did it would hurt you. I was protecting you and if that's wrong then I guess I don't wanna be right... I didn't know caring for your friends was wrong these days. I didn't know it was frowned upon... Guess I'm just old fashioned then.

I wasn't aware that I didn't exist and deserved quotations. Thanks dude, I really feel great... Ya know thanks for telling me I was ya know fake. As if I haven't been through enough hell. As if I'm not dealing with the biggest act of torture there is... But how was anyone to know? Ya know? Really puts things into perspective for me. I always felt invisible. Now I know that I really am. Great.

That's still no excuse. Was Linzy "just stressed" when she left? Are any of my friends "just too stressed" to take 2 minutes and text me?! I understand stress. God, believe me I do... As much stress has you're under so am I! My aunt has fucking cancer! Like that damn disease didn't take enough of my family already! I'm 20 years old. I'm not in school. I don't have a job. I don't even have a driver's license! And my best friend lives so far away from me and goes through hell everyday and I can't stop it or fix it. I can't even fucking hug her when she needs it! So stress isn't an excuse to disrespect or belittle someone. It's not an excuse for being mean. But whatever. Fine. I don't care. It's not like my feelings matter anyway.

You have no idea the stress I've been through. None. Do you even know what it feels like to watch your best friend, who was there for you through everything, the bullying, the horrible teachers, all of it just walk away? Like none of it meant anything? Do you know how it feels to watch someone you love slowly die? Day after day. Watching a disease eat their brain? Until they can't form coherent words anymore let alone sentences? At 8 years old? Do you know how unwanted you feel when you have an uncle that you adore but only see once a year? And he doesn't live that far away!? Do you know what it's like to watch the two, strike that three, strongest women you've ever known be sick, in pain, dying in one case? Do you know what that's like!? 

Do you know what it's like to be told that at only minutes old nurses were making bets on whether you'd live a second day? Do you know how scary it is to almost lose your mom at 17? And above all on exams week!? I've had some miracles. My parents even say I'm a miracle. But I've been through hell too. And I'm still here today. At 20. At this point, anyone who tries to put me down are no worse than the five boys, yes boys because that's all they are, and 3 girls that targeted me in school. And that was before I switched schools. And why did we move out of my childhood home? Because my brother was the one complaining about bullies. My baby brother. Did I say one word about it? No! Because they're just words. It's not like they tripped me every time I walked by. But AJ complains about one bully and we move. The irony. I had 3 friends. Three. That was all... And I lost all of them. Great. So you can imagine my trust issues. The fear that I'll lose friends. The fear of being invisible.

As for my best friend, I trust you completely. I trust you with my life. There's not many people I do. My heart and my trust are damaged. I don't think they're fixable. I've told you things, entrusted you with things, I've literally never told anyone else. You know everything. And when I say that I mean it. 150%. You know things people wouldn't believe about me. You. Know. It all. I hope you hold onto it. Don't spread it behind my back like Linzy. I didn't wanna believe it when my mom told me because: "That's my  best friend. She wouldn't do that." But my mom wouldn't lie to me about stuff like that. She doesn't lie to me much. I know everything. I always did. I knew Linzy for 2 years. And she stabbed me in the back. Over and over. Someone save me from her. 

A/N: So that's that. Hope it was okay... Feedback would be nice. I know I ask for that with TG and DYWM but I don't think I've asked with this. I would be so grateful of someone would give me feedback on my writing. I feel like no one cares... But enough about my doubts.
~Samm🙈💭💚