Writings

Empty & Alone

A/N: I might make it a habit of not using capitalization. I get tired of using my shift key.  And the notepad thing I usually write in does all that work for me. Plus I only use caps for the "I"s in my notebook so...But yeah here's a new thing. Whatever. (sorry i'm tired)(photo is accurate.)

~Samm ://

i don't know what to write. i'm not happy. but i'm not sad. i feel kinda empty. i feel almost numb. i'm lonely. there's more but i can't explain it. it's like i've been touched by a dementor. but not in the way harry's affected. more like how ron describes it. it doesn't make sense. i feel alone and empty. like a part of me is lost. i don't understand my feelings. i don't get how i can switch emotions so fast. i don't get how i can be happy for awhile and then just suddenly be sad for two days. it's almost an out of body experience. it confuses me so much. am i depressed? or do i just get sad sometimes? before recently, i've never been sad without reason. but now it happens more often than i'd like it to. it scares me. i'm starting to question my sanity. should i be locked away? should i seek help? i don't think i could talk to a therapist. i can't even describe my feelings to me best friend. how could i tell i stranger? the only place i can put those feelings into words is here in this notebook.  is this my therapy? is this therapeutic to write? is this helping or making it worse? i wish i knew. it seems the only way i can express myself is to write. but is writing these feelings down making them wore? making them real? is it all in my head? or are these feelings real? am i overthinking this? probably. i'm good at that. so what do i do? how do i make them stop? how do i feel better? how do i go back to how it was before? i just don't know how to do that. i wish i did. maybe one day i'll get there. i really hope i can get back there. i hope i can have some normalcy back. i hate this feeling of emptiness. i hate feeling alone. why do i always feel like this? even when i'm in a room full of people i feel alone. i don't understand it. why does this happen to me? what did i do wrong to deserve this? what did i to to warrant this kind of behavior? these dark thoughts? is it a side effect of growing up and becoming an adult? is it all caused by stress? why was I "chosen"? and why now?  is is because i don't have, hardly, any friends? is is because of the internet?  is it because of gram? or is it just this house? i was fine at the old one. is it delayed from school? is it because i'm not in school? i'm afraid it might be this house. before we moved, i never felt like this. i was never overwhelmingly sad. is it because of the heartbreak? it can't be because of shelby. i had my first breakdown with her around. is it self-loathing? are the bullies words finally catching up? is it because of twenty one pilots? i don't know what causes this. it happens at random. i just don't understand this feeling. i just don't get it. i don't want this feeling. i can't explain how it feels. there aren't words to describe it. i feel like i should seek help but i don't know how. i  don't know what i'd say. or how to say it. i can't even tell kate and she's my best friend. i just want it to end. i want this to be over. i'd do anything for it to just stop. i just don't know what to do. i just don't know. "IDK" seems to have become my favorite response to everything. i feel so detached from everything. is being in unrequited love causing this? why do i feel so attached to weird things? things such as this book and my wattpad and my g+ accounts. why can't i talk to anyone but kate? i just don't understand any of this. 

A/N: So that happened. Idk what to say about it. So yeah....

~Samm ://