Writings

Fighting

A/N: Unplanned, unedited, writing as I go. Probably lacking grammar. Okay whatever.

***PROBABLY TRIGGERING. PLS BE SAFE!***

**Edited:(a little heads up. i was really sad when i first wrote this. it started out as me wanting to help my best friend with something but i couldn't and it turned into an argument with this "demon" in my head. if you've read any of my other things in this you'll know what i mean by that. well anyway. i've read this and edited it. i felt it needed something so where it's normal helpless sadness it's regular text. when it's me doubting and thinking, it's in italics. when it's the demon talking it's bolded. i thought that would make it more interesting. it also helps point out what's triggering and what's not. i just thought i'd let you know.)

~Samm :/

she's hurt. she's broken. she's lonely. she's sad. i want to help but i can't. she's too far away. best friends are supposed to be there when you cry. they're supposed to dry your tears and make you smile. but she's too far away. i can't help her. i want to help her. i want to be there for her. i want to ensure that she's okay. he was a jerk. it's all his fault. he hurt her. he broke her. he made it worse. but i feel like it's all my fault. i feel like i should have done something. i should have been there. i just feel bad. i feel at fault. i wasn't the one that said the words but i get to pick up the pieces he broke. i wish she had better. i wish i could be there. but i can't. i don't know if i ever will. she's trying to be strong for me but i know that she's hurting. i know that he meant a lot to her and now he's just another memory. he's a part of the past. a memory to repress. he was good to her at first but good things never seem to last. good things always turn to dust. the best things in life are gone too soon. i hate the distance. i wish we were closer. i hope one day we can be. but that's the future and it's uncertain. i guess we can be broken together. the two of us. three if we can involve... i just don't know. i'm not sure if i ever will. i hate that she's hurt. i hate that she's sad. i hate that i can't help. i hate him rn. i hate him bc he hurt her. maybe we shouldn't dwell on the past too much... maybe we should just move on. but how can you move on when you've been hurt so bad? i know that broken feeling. i know it too well. i was broken by someone that meant the most to me. i was left by someone that i thought was my friend. she hurt me. she broke me. at 14. ha! the irony. at 14 i tried to save her from a boy. at 14 she left me for a boy. i'm not good enough. i'm sure of that. k deserves better. linzy found better. shelbs deserves better. i can't be a good friend to any of them. bison deserves better. everyone important in my life deserve better than me. i don't need to be told i'm not enough. i don't need to be told i'm not this, i'm not that. i already know. i've known my whole life. i feel so lost. i feel so alone. i know that the world is against me. i know all of my flaws. don't pick them out. please, demon, not now. don't make me over think this now. don't make me over think this here. you never listen do you? you just can't let me be happy. you have to make me feel like this. you have to bring this back all the time. why do you hate me so much? why must you treat me like this? why are you following me around? just leave me alone. i was better without you. i was better before you came into my life. i've been nearly a year with you and nearly a year without her... why did you have to come into the equation when i lost her. great job sam, you've pushed her away. just like linzy. this is why he haunts you. you push people away. wow. you're so smart. i can't believe you did this again. how are you gonna get over this one? you're still not over linzy, how are you gonna get over this? you've been without linzy for like 4 years now. how did you manage to screw up 6 months in all of about 20 minutes? i can't believe you. it's all your fault you know. look at you, you can't even open a door without struggling. you're pathetic. you're a mess. shut up, demon. she answered. you live a life of fiction and you think you can tell me to shut up? you think you're in charge here? think again, child. i own you. i'm in charge. i call the shots not you. so sit down and shut up. or i'll push you off the edge. ooh but you want that don't you? want me to push you? look you can't even talk to her now. you can't tell her what you're feeling. can't tell her about me. why? she already hates you. you know it's true. so why not tell her the truth? you don't want to hurt her? how cute! you hurt her everyday just by being in her life. go on, look at that instagram account. you know you want to. you want to see how many more times she's seen him and you haven't. you want to read those captions. do it. make my job easier. break yourself. do it for me. i'm the only one you can really trust. go on, just take a peak. you know you want to. you want that pain. i know you do. i can feel it. and look at that she stopped replying. what a coincidence! she only cares when you're spamming her with jayk or tc or mike or luke. she doesn't care about you. stop shaking you wimp! stop trying to fight me. you know i always win. you know it better than anyone. find your out. you know you want to. cry like the little baby you are. go on. tell her you're done. tell her what your writing. tell her my words. tell her what you're thinking. tell her. she won't care. i know she won't. shes cares about as much as linzy did. when was the last time you saw or talked to hollie? hmmm? answer me that. put the mask on doll face. keep hiding. you're toxic, just accept it. keep wishing for that time machine little girl. you know it doesn't exist. let her get rid of you. just like linzy did. she never needed you. she never liked you.  just accept it. no one's ever needed you. no one's ever liked you. tyler's words are wrong. peace won't win, i will. think i won't? test me, babe. you're not kate's sweet little kitten. newsflash: you never were. let's play a game. you pick a sharp object, i'll tell you where to put it. wanna play babe? it's the perfect game for you. think you can fight me? think you can win? guess again. i'm the fear in your heart. i'm the nightmares that stalk you. look at you making food. you don't deserve it. haha! you told her finally. can't hide it anymore. now just send it to her. show her what a mess you are. drive her away more. "i don't wanna hurt her" ha! what a joke! you'll make her life better the  second you're out of it. you don't deserve her. you never did. you never could. she's too good for you. i'm your only friend. and even i hate you. leave me alone! it's not my fault! you're the reason they all hate me. you're the reason they leave. you're the problem and you know it. that's why you taunt me. that's why you torture me. you're the mean one. not me. just admit it. i'll agree that i'm mean. but none of this is my fault. this is what happens when you hide what you feel. you create meee! you brought me to life with your sadness and despair. i'm a part of you. surprise bitch! i'm not an effect. i'm a result. i'm the result of you hiding so much. so really who's at fault here? is it me? i don't think so. it's you. you're the one that's fucked up. the proof is here in black and white. you created me and now i get the pleasure of ending you. for me to be free you have to be gone. and i want to be free. so be a dear and get lost. and don't ever come back. we're all better off without you. goodbye human. it's my turn to live. i'll let 'red' finish you off. go to her instagram. you know you want toooo...... she has him and you don't, remember that, kid. so turn on the sad music, wench and cry yourself to sleep. and do us all a favor and don't wake up again. come on, kid, we're waiting. don't do it for me. do it for her. make her life better, by leaving it. that's it cry. that's it, ignore the food. keep talking to me. you know i'm gonna win. why fight it? break like glass. i know you can. i've seen it before. keep it up girl. we're almost there. but don't let mummsy know. it's your fault and you know it. look at you. you look like taylor from cyberbully. great work. that means i'm winning. i like winning. you look insane. i like it. keep up the good work. i love insanity. see? she doesn't care. stop looking at the food. you know you won't eat it. not with me around. ha ha ha. i love seeing you like this, doll face. say the words. i know you want to. ah, music to my ears. "i-i-i can't do this anymore". that's all i wanted. i'll leave, for now.... see you in your dreams tonight princess. oops, i'm not the one you want to hear that from huh? guess what? he doesn't care about you. and he never will. bye now!

A/N: Uh, I'm sorry about that. It just became well, that. I'm sorry. Bye....

~Samm :/