Writings

Still A Part Of Me

A/N: Just a little reminder.

xSamm🙈💭💚

           Dear Shelby,

Hey, it's been a while yeah? I just want to let you know that I still miss you. And I still love you. And you're still one of my favorite people. I still hope the best for you. I still hope you're happy and healthy and safe. You're still a part of me, of who I am.

I know it doesn't seem like it much anymore being as I don't post these all the time anymore. But I still do miss you every day. I still hope you "save some snow for me". I still can't listen to that song without crying. I want you to know that I still care. It doesn't seem like it because it looks like I'm moving on. I'm not. That's something you can be sure of. I'm just distracting myself more. I'm writing more to keep me from dwelling. And not just on you, on my mom too. That's still not any easier. And I feel like I'm drifting away from all of my friends. Even the ones that stuck by me through everything. And that's my fault. I'm scared to bother them. I'm scared I'll annoy them. But I guess I'll have to get over that because they surely won't keep contact with me otherwise. I haven't even seen my irl best friend since the funeral. I can't even go in my own room. 

I'm, my family and I, are in a sort of counseling/support group for grief. To be honest, it's not really helping me. And we joined it for me. My dad's thinking about dating again and I... I don't know how to handle that. Kate doesn't even know that yet. I can barely stay home by myself. It's hard to be alone but I don't complain because I know that my dad and brother will feel bad. My aunt had cancer but now she's cancer free. Um, I guess I just feel lost? A lot of nights, I cry myself to sleep because I miss so many people. The other day Drew and Jayk were at a Bachelor party for a friend and they were singing Karaoke and Jayk caught Drew singing a song called I'm Already There by Lonestar on his Snapchat story and I wasn't ready for it and I just started crying at 5 AM. I- I didn't handle that well because that's a song that's always made me cry since I was a kid so... 

I don't know how to handle a lot of things in my life. So I write. I make up fake lives and live in them because they're safe and I don't have to make real decisions. I spend a lot of my time alone. So what am I to do? And like Kate's gone back to school so I can't talk to her during the day. I can't talk to her until after like 6 or 7 PM. And my other friends well, they're in school too. And my dad wants to get my brother and I our driver's licenses so that we can get jobs. And like that's not so bad but it'll just mean that I won't get to talk to Kate as much. But if I work during the day, then we'd be on the same schedule so...

Idk, I didn't do this to upset you. I did it to show you that I still miss you. There's so much I wanna say to you, ask you, tell you, inform you about but I can't. When something happens, I just wanna tell you. But I can't. And I don't even know if you see these. You said you'd see everything I wrote but I- I don't know. I still doubt that you even see these. It might be too much to ask but could you maybe, please, comment or something? I don't care what it is. It doesn't have to be anything special. I promise you, I won't respond. But I just wanna know that you're okay. I'm so terrified that something bad happened to you. That you got hurt or worse... Also, Happy Birthday, it's probably late but hey, I tried. Also, Happy One Year Friendiversary! That's late too but again, hey, it's there. I love you and you're still my best friend. I hope you're well, and safe. I guess that's all I can do.  I love you forever, and then some, I promise. I miss you so so much Shelbs. 

Love and best wishes,

Samm💜🐧

A/N: So yeah, just that...

xSamm🙈💭💚