Writings

Worth

A/N: So I wrote this last night. It was 14 and a half pages handwritten. It's not happy. Very dark. It's the only thing I've ever written that's ever made me cry while writing it by hand. My brain works faster when I type. So here's this. I'm sorry. Video has nothing to do with it, I just can't stop listening to this song. 

~Samm =^~^-

What am I worth? Am I worth anything? Worth your time? You worries? Your stressing? Your concern? Your affection? Your care? Am I worth any of it? Am I really worth it? I don't see how I could be. Don't see how anyone could care. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth any of it. I'm not worth the stress. Not worth the heartache. Not worth the time. Not worth the breath. Not worth the worry. Not worth your friendship. Not worthy of you. All I am is a waste of time. A waste of energy. Don't waste your breath talking to me. I'm not worth it. I'm undeserving of you. You're an angel and I'm the dirt you tread on. Don't glance at me. I'm nothing to look at. A circus act, maybe. You're a diamond and I'm a dirty rock. All I do is shatter windows. I'm a pest, an annoying little pest. I'm a worthless stone. I'm not even a choice. I'm a nothing from the middle of nowhere. You're a shimmering star from the brightest galaxy. I don't compare to your beauty. Not inner nor outer beauty. I'm a lonely bottom feeder. You're the king of the ocean. I'm a piece of dead grass. You're the top of the food chain. You're a bird with the strongest, brightest, most colorful wings. You're everything that's right with the world. You're everything good. I'm the darkest secret. I'm the worst creation. I'm something that shouldn't have made it this far. I'm the foulest evil that exists. There's no good in me, no joy. I never had a halo. My wings never developed. The blessed robes burn my flesh. You're an angel but you can't save me. I'm not worth saving. I deserve the hell I love. I deserve the demons that haunt me. I deserve this pain. Deserve the loss. I was never worthy of being touched by your glow. Don't mourn me, Angel. Don't miss me. You can do better. Don't love me. I'm not good enough. Dear boy I love, don't notice me. I'm not worth your time. Or attention. Dear best friend, you can find better than me. I'm unimportant. You don't need me. You're better than me. Dear Peach, I'm not as "great" as you say I am. I'm not pretty. He'd never care anyway. You deserve the best and that's not me. I'm not good for you. I don't deserve you. You can do better. You should look for better. You don't need to look for the sun. you are the sun. protect my Penguin. Tell my lame story. Tell him how I felt. I love you. I always will. But don't remember me. Please forget I ever existed. It's what I deserve. Run my name through the mud. I know everyone else will. Hell, they already have. The bullies were right. The nurses were right. Society was right. I'm surprised you don't hate me. Everyone else does. Including me. I can't win this war. I'm ready to go. I was never worthy to be friends with a beautiful angel like you. Thanks for humoring me. Thanks for pitying me. Thanks for dying my tears but this isn't a fight I can win. I was told to pick my battles. This isn't one I choose to fight. I'll watch over you from my fiery fate. Don't worry about me. You don't have to anymore. Thank you for showing me the sun. thank you for treating me like I mattered, when I don't. thank you for showing me friendship. Thank you for trying to care. I don't deserve you. I never will. I never could. Thank you for being there when my heart shattered. I'm sorry I couldn't piece myself back together. I'm sorry I couldn't be better. I'm sorry I hurt you. That was never my intent. I'm sorry I'm so horrible. I'm just so sorry. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. It's all my fault. I'm sorry I'm so broken. I'm sorry I couldn't fix myself. I'm sorry I can't be whole. I'm sorry I'm so damaged, I'm sorry she broke me. But I deserved it. It was my fault. I wasn't good enough for her either. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I ruined your life the day I stepped into it. I'm sorry I couldn't be enough. I'm sorry I couldn't help you. I'm sorry I exist. I'm just so sorry. I'm sorry I'm so emotional. I'm sorry I cry so much. I'm sorry I can't be better. I'm sorry I'm here and that you have to deal with me. You don't deserve my burden. Dear heartbreaker, you're so much better than me. You deserve him. Just please promise you'll take care of him. He's holding my heart. You're holding my world. You hold the love of my life. You hold one of the most important things to me. Please treat him well. Please love him for me. Hold him like I would. Please tell him what he meant to me. Now that I'm gone. Now that I'm in Hell, Where I belong. Tell him I love him even now. Tell him Tyler was right. Tell him to be careful. Show him the world. Make sure he knows how you feel. I wish it could be me but I'm dead now. What can a dead person do? Tell him I'm sorry. Tell him the affect he had on me. I'll drag you to hell alive if you hurt him. I'll be watching. Give him all my love. Make him feel special. I hate myself for leaving him. I hate myself no matter what but that's not the point. Love him for the girl that loved him but never got to meet him. The girl who gave in too soon. Who gave in too easily. The girl who knew she never had a chance. The girl who hates herself but loves him so desperately. The girl who was destined for hell. The girl who should have died as a baby. The girl that didn't deserve to live. The girl who was broken before she was whole. The girl who cries herself to sleep most nights. The girl that everyone hates. The girl who is me. Love him for me. I'm sorry Peach. Sorry Penguin. Sorry Linz. Sorry Bean. I wish I could have been better. Goodbye world. I give up. Take me away, Demon. 

A/N: I'm sorry. :/ 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈 Okay bye!

~Samm =^~^=