Writings

Family

A/N: Impromptu. No grammar. Sorry, I'm just mad and this is the only way I can think to vent. 

~Samm ^~^

i'm so done. i'm ready to pack up and leave. i just want out. i want out of this house. out of this  life. i hate living like this. she's always mad about something. i thought the meds were supposed to stop that. i thought they were supposed to fix it. i guess we were wrong. i'm back to where i started from. i'm back to getting yelled at constantly. i'm back to wanting to tear my hair out. i'm back to how it was only 2 years ago. i'm back to wanting out. i'm back to it all. i'm back to hiding away. i'm back to wanting to walk away. to walking out. i'm always on the verge of tears. either that or screaming. i'm back to being almost constantly angry. i'm back to turning to music for relief. i'm back to it all. but this time's worse. i'm thinking things i shouldn't. thinking about doing things i don't want to start. thinking about things i don't really want. i'm in this darkness i don't want. i'm in this place i don't want to be. why does she do this? i hate this. i hate being yelled at. i hate this feeling. and ofc it's dark so here comes the negativity. i wish he was by my side to talk me down. i wish he was here to hold me. i just want him here. but that won't happen. he doesn't know i exist. i'm just so mad. i hate it. i hate this. i just- my heart hurts. i want to be with him but i can't. i know he doesn't care. why would he? everything hurts. i just wish it would stop. the one thing that's supposed to help, just isn't. it might be making it worse. i hate being here. i wanna be somewhere else. i want both my best friends by my side. i just want to go all over the world with them. i just want to be someone else. i want a better life. i want him. i just want things to go my way for once. i just wanna be happy. truly, unchangingly, happy. that's all i want. i want to decide my life. i just want better. but do i deserve it? that's the question. do i deserve this hell i live? is that why i was put here? to be treated like dirt? to be unwanted? to me so damn emotional? i hate being here. i do. i want out. i wanna be somewhere far away, somewhere that i can't be drug back here in a second. i want to be disconnected from this. i want to be by his side. i want to be taken away. swept off my feet and flown far from this place. this hell that i'm trapped in. i want him. that's all i want. but to him i don't exist. i'm not even on his radar. and i never will be. maybe i should get used to it. maybe that's all i'm worth. i try to hide the tears but it's not working. if they don't go away soon, i'm gonna have to leave. i can't be here. i don't want them to see. i don't want them to ask questions bc i won't know what to say. i don't want to spill the truth. i don't want them to see how messed up i really am. i don't want them to see the real me. i don't want them to see anything but the smile i flash at them. i don't want to talk. i don't want them to hear the shake in my voice. i don't wan to be around them. i want to be gone. long gone. i want the distance from them. i want to go back to disney. i want far too much. i want things that i'll never get. like him. i want to see the world but i never will. i'll never get what i want. that's been proven to me time and time again. i should just stop wanting. stop asking. stop wishing. stop trying. stop hoping. bc i won't get it. i won't get anything i want. i never do. i never have. i just wanna run. i wanna run so far and never turn back. i want to put some miles between me and them. i want to just go. i want to go away. i wanna disappear. vanish into thin air. i want to be happy. why can't i be happy? why? what did i do wrong? what did i mess up? maybe those nurses were right. maybe i shouldn't be here. maybe i shouldn't have made it this far. i've had nothing but struggle the whole time. i feel like i'm being torn apart. all this struggle for nothing. look what it's done for me. nothing! not a damn thing. it's done nothing but bring more struggle. i really do hate my life. i do. i hate it. i wish he would come and save me... maybe it's stupid ot wish. nothing, i've wished for has ever come true. the only thing i wish for anymore is him. but that's a stupid wish i guess. i don't have anything to give him. what could be ever see in me? what could ever make him look at me? i'm nothing to him. i never have been. i never will be. i wish my trust wasn't broken. i wish i wasn't broken. i wish i was whole. i wish i wasn't alone. and then my memory sets on her. the one i miss the most. it's been almost a year. the only one that understood. the only one i could talk to when i felt like this. the one that helped me through a lot. and she's gone. i miss her everyday. she was always on my side. she defended me. she cared about me. she meant, means the world to me. i miss her every damn day. everyday. each one without her feels like the end of the world. i just don't know how to live without her. i take each day by chance. i live day to day. but still it's hard. it's hard to live on when she's not here. i wanna be with her. but i know she wouldn't want that. but i miss her. she was safe. now i don't feel safe. i have things to tell her. questions to ask her. i feel so lost without her. she was my protector. my role model. she was my gram. but now, she's gone. long gone. i wish she would have taken me with her. i wanna be with her. i want her back. why did she have to leave? how has it been almost a year? it feels like it just happened yesterday. i want her hugs. i just want her back. i wasn't ready to lose her. i guess i wasn't good enough for her. i didn't deserve her when i had her. she was too good for me. i just want one more day. one where she was healthy and happy. just one day. but it's too much to ask for. why did you have to take her? i just wanna pick up the phone and call her. i wanna hear her voice.  just once. that's the one thing i can't have. the one thing that could maybe remain of her is the one thing i don't have. please bring her back. i don't want her in that box. i want her in her home. i wanna walk through the door and see her there. but i can't. i can't look at her house the same way. she's not in it. i just want her back. but my wants are too big for me to ever have. i can't have him. i can't have gram. i can't have a happy life. i just can't have anything. what's the point? why should i try anymore? every time i do, life kicks me to the ground. i'm done caring. i'm done trying. i'm done wishing, and hoping. i'm just done. i'm over it. i'm over pretending, i'm okay. i'm over pretending that things will someday go my way. i'm done with everything. i'm just done. i give up. life's just gonna push me down when i try to get up so, i'll just stay on the ground. it's easier than trying to fight it. i'm dropping the walls. dropping the front. i'm just dropping. is this depression? it feels like it. i'm up for a few days and then i get knocked off my feet. i'm tired of trying. i'm tired of getting pushed over. if i don't get up, i won't get pushed down. i'm over it. i just am. done.

A/N: It's sad, it's depressing. And I cried writing it. Idc anymore. I don't. So, here. Kay, bye.

~Samm :(