Writings

Journ-Rant

A/N: Welcome to the first journal type thing. Idk what this is gonna be. And excuse my grammar. Let's jump into it yeah?
~Samm🙈💭💚

So this is new for me. Just kinda posting my random thoughts. It's like 5 AM at time of writing. My life isn't very interesting so if that's what you're expecting, you can forget it. Today was particularly boring. Yesterday was beyond eventful. Ask my best friend. I thought I was losing my mind! Here's the background on that:

Okay so the thing about yesterday is this: my mom has a bad knee and doesn't get around real well. So she decided to take a shower while we were all still in bed. Which any other day, would have been fine. But this time she had an issue. She has a shower chair and she somehow knocked the leg off of it and she was trying to get out of the shower so she called for help. She was falling. And mind you, she's not a small woman. My dad, my brother and I can't lift her so... Anyway, there was no way for her to get out of the shower no matter what we did. And she fell to the floor of the bathroom. Well, it's more like she sat on the floor. Well, after that, we couldn't get her up. She was just kinda stuck on the floor. So I got my brother up thinking he could help us. But we spent two hours by ourselves and still couldn't get her off the floor. We got her moved out of the bathroom and into her room but she was still on the floor. We'd exhausted all options. We were ready to call 911. My dad texted his best friend and she called then listened to the story and after that she called her son, my "big brother". So he shows up in record time. We were all stressed beyond words, frustrated and tired. We were all woken up before we were ready. And like we just had to leave her there and get away for a minute. And none of us had eaten anything so the three of us made food. Even if I only had a pop tart at the time. Now, know this, I'm not very strong. Okay? There's no way on heaven or hell that I'd be able to help properly. My dad's shoulder messed up so he's only got one arm he can really work with. So it's mostly my brother. And then like a family friend shows up and he becomes the de-stresser we all needed. Made us all laugh and in about 5 minutes formulated a plan to get her up. And it worked. I couldn't help. And so she's tired af by now and her muscles are all sore. We think it's done. She goes to the bathroom with her walker and it's all fine. Well she thinks she can back out of the bathroom but walkers don't work that way. And my brother calls for my help bc she's gonna fall again and like I've said before, there's nothing, nothing, I can do. So where does she end up? The floor again. Thankfully the family friend hasn't left yet, so we're back to square one. And I felt so helpless and useless bc that's my fault, I was supposed to help her stay up and I couldn't even do that.  And my brother's yelling at me bc "this is your fault". And I was going crazy! And I just full on broke down. I was sobbing in the garage and my dad comes and gets me bc "we need that thing we had before". And I went to get it. Once he had it, he left to get her back off the floor. And I just fall apart in the kitchen. I was curled up in a ball on the floor in a corner crying so hard and I couldn't stop. I must have been crying every bit of an hour. If not more. And they got her back up and she's just gonna stay on her room bc that took a lot out of her. And the family friend leaves and I'm still crying. And they can't talk to me without me crying harder. And my brother came to me and was like "it's not your fault I was trying to rationalize what was happening and I didn't want to go through this again. And I just put it on the first person I saw. It's not your fault." And I'm just crying and "it's my fault. It's my fault." So like I just broke down. And I couldn't get out of it. And finally I watched some videos on my computer and I started to calm down. And everything's looking up. And every time she even makes a sound I'm texting my brother "help". Bc I can't. I've proven that. Most times it was nothing. But I was just, I was on the edge of breaking the whole day and I just finally lost it when she fell the second time. Bc there was nothing I could do. So that's what happened. I know you asked but I never really answered. I was just stuck in the moment. And Idk. That's the whole story. And now you know. I was shaking from the moment I got up until the whole thing ended finally. I was ready to just run. I almost did. I almost just walked out of the house without shoes, a jacket or a way back in the house. I just wanted to go. If I could have thought of someone who was free and could come get me, I would have left. And my brother brought up his friend and I just started crying harder bc a hug from him would have made it better and it would have made me cry all over but I needed it. I think I still do, Idk. I just wanted everything to end. But it turned out the way it needed to. I'm just glad it's over. But I'm afraid to get close to her. It's like I'll hurt her if I do. I just feel like something will go bad if I get near her. Idk but there's that....