Writings

Sunshines

A/N: Okay so the title is misleading. It starts out happy and fine but it doesn't end that way.  It kinda had a mind of it's own. Also, note, I started writing this 2 nights ago so the beginning won't make a lot of sense with the time frame. Okay here.

~Samm :///

These beans™ make me smile. They make me happy. There's multiple names on this list. There's Alex and Jack. There's Mike and Luke. There's Dan and Phil. There's Rian and Zack. There's Ash and Cal. There's Connor and Troye. There's Niall and Liam. There's Jayk and TC. There's Louis and Harry. There's Drew and Blake. There's Derek and Zayn. There's Tyler and Josh. There's Matt and Keaton. There's Kaylee and Shelby. There's Kate and Erin. These people are my beans™. They're my favorite people. They're the one that are most important to me. They keep me sane. Calm me down. Bring out the best in me. Hold special places in my heart. Give me strength and confidence. Make me feel cared for, cared about. Help me see the light. Guide me through the darkness. Dry my tears. Hold me when I need it. Love me for me and not what I look like. They care about my personality. I missed a couple in that list. There's Nicky, Jackie and AJ. The three that make me laugh and smile a lot. All these people give me life. They make getting out of bed easier, possible even. But that boy I love makes it the easiest. He makes me feel things I can't explain. I had a dream about him last night. It was a little weird but he was there. I guess he was finally able to "meet me in my dreams". He makes it easier to he myself. Kate and Shelby are the best friends I've ever had. I hope I get to meet them one day. I hope we get to live out the plans we've made. I hope we get to live together and go to concerts. I hope we get to meet our idols together. I hope we get to blare our music and have dance parties. I hope we get to be exactly like family. I hope we get to go on road trips and travel the world. I hope we get to be friends with our idols. Or maybe even date them. I hope we get to live out a fantasy. I hope we get to live a life that's so unreal it's hard to believe it's true. But it is true. I want to give my best friends the world. Because they deserve it. They need it. I just want them to be safe. I want them to be happy. And I want them to be healthy. If I thought I was toxic to them, I'd leave without question. But I appear to do good for them by being in their lives. I'll stay so long as they'll have me. I hope the three of us get to be friends for the rest of our lives. I want to celebrate so many birthdays with them. I'll stay by them through any storm. I'd do anything for them. I'd take a bullet for them. I love those two beans with everything I have. They cold be axe murderers and I'd still love them. I feel more like a mom to them than a friend. They're more of my sisters than friends. I don't deserve them. It's by sheer luck that I have them in my life. I don't deserve to have two wonderful friends like them. I'm not worthy of they're time or friendship. They're perfect and I'm far from it. I'm not good enough for them. They're angels with white wings and halos. I'm a fallen with black feathers and horns. I'm a disgrace to my wings and my family. K and Shelbs deserve better than me. I'll never get into heaven. I belong in hell. I'm not good enough for purgatory. Can you tell the demon is back? Can you see the dark clouds he brings? Can you hear his evil laughter? Can you feel his chilling presence? Can you smell his rancid breath? Is it all in my head? Can you hear, smell, feel, see or taste him like I can? Is he real? Or is he a figment of my imagination? Is this real? Or was it all a lie? What's the truth and what is false? Why can't I tell anymore? Is it a side effect of depression? Where did the depression come from? Why won't it go away? Maybe the fortune cookie lied. It said, "struggle had ended". This feels like a struggle. It would make sense for my fortune to lie to me. Everyone else does. They say they care about me but they don't really. I hate being lied to. Don't comfort me with a lie. Save your time and breath, just break me with the truth. It'll save you some. It'll save me too. Save me some trust. Save me some wasted time. Just hurt me. Everyone does. Break off your piece. Just take it and go. I'm already broken so just make it worse. Go ahead. I'm asking you to. Don't hold back. Tell me the truth. You hate me. I know you do. Why are you trying to hide it? We both know it's true. So just say it. It's easier that way. It's easier when I'm on my own. When the world is against me. It helps because I'm against me too. I'm a traitor to myself. It's hard to "love yourself" when you've never even "liked" yourself. I'm a reject; throw me out. I'm a social casualty. My heart is darker than the darkest black. My lungs are dying and helpless. My mind is fucked up. My skin is battered and bruised. My eyes are dull and lifeless. Put that dagger in my heart rather than using it to stab me in the back. It'll make my death faster, easier. That's what you want, right? My death? You want me dead? Go ahead, kill me. It couldn't hurt less than living like the broken mess I am. The girl that doesn't have the interest of anyone. Not male nor female. So put the dagger in my heart. If you can't, give it to me and I'll show you how it's done. I'll never turn the gun on you. The powder-filled metal belongs scattered in my brain and lodged in the center of my dying heart. Send me to hell where I belong. Where I'd rather be. Where I'll be in less pain. Where I'll spend my eternity.

A/N: Okay there's that. Whatever. If you enjoyed then okay. If not, sorry to disappoint. Idk. Whatever. Okay bye.

~Samm :////