My Fear (Eric Divergent Fanfic)

Chapter 47

When we get home Peter is holding Eero as Ean clings onto his shins.

"How'd it go?" Peter asked.

I don't say anything as I take Eero out of his arms. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Yikes," he looks at Eric. "What happened?" He says quietly to Eric.

"Let it go Peter," I growl.

I rub my forehead and blow out air. I take Eero into his nursery and sit down in the rocking hair across from his crib. I run my finger along his soft cheek. He's beautiful just like his siblings. It's hard to tell who he looks like, he looks like a combination of Eric and I.

I don't want another and I probably should've stopped a long time ago, better yet I should've said I should've gotten contraception a long time ago.

I sneak into the bedroom and grab the phone calling the doctor to set me up with a birth control appointment. I'm not having another.

The appointment is made for two weeks from now. I hang up the phone. Eero babbles and I wipe the drool from his mouth. His hair is much thicker than the rest of the children at this age, I brush it carefully and I watch Eero close his eyes.

"Mommy?" Eli cracks the door.

"Come in," I say softly.

Eli enters and jumps on the bed to sit next to me. He peers over at Eero.

"Want to hold him?"

Eli looks and then shakes his head. "I'm afraid I'll hurt him."

"You won't hurt him," I tell Eli exactly how to hold him--cradle his neck, and then I hold onto Eli to steady his grip on the newborn. "Why do you look sad mommy?" He reads my body language.

I smile, "I'm not sad."

Eli doesn't say anything back.

"I don't want to be Dauntless," he confides in me.

I look at him. "I know."

"You do?" He looks puzzled.

"I can tell," I brush his hair away from his forehead. "You don't seem happy here."

He frowns at me. "I-I don't want to leave you mommy."

"Eli," I sigh. "I want you to go wherever you're meant to be."

He doesn't say anything and I don't say anything either.

I take back Eero and Eli scurries off to play with Phoenix.

I'm left alone in the bedroom and I just stare at the baby; falling deeply in love him.

I lose my train of thought when I begin to think of Eric and then my father. Why do I feel such guilt, hate, anger when I loathed my father? Maybe it's the good memories I'm still hanging onto--the ones that made him my father.

I told Eric not too, he didn't listen to me. I know we had clear rules I know that he specifically said if my father did those things he would lose his control.

I think that's what scares me most. The loss of control he had. Crack. Crack. Crack. I feel as if I'm losing my mind. It wasn't his choice to kill my father--it wasn't his to decide...but I can't be mad at him, but I am.

The conflicting feelings battle with me endlessly as I stay far away from Eric in risk that I might blow up on him. I don't want to start a fight, I know he can blame me just as much as I can blame him. He said it was a bad idea, he knew it was a bad idea and...and I should've listened but if I didn't Emma would be the one to suffer right now.