My Fear (Eric Divergent Fanfic)

Chapter 42

Eric goes to bed and I'm stuck with the brown eyes, brown haired baby. Already my heart aches for what a misfit he is, I know he's going to grow up thinking we don't love him as much as the other four which--in my case, isn't entirely false, of course my kids come first but...No, if I adopt him he will be my son and Audrey will have no right. He will be my son and I'll love him as such.ha

I head to Emery's room and take him out of his crib and put Phoenix in replace.

Emery looks at me and then looks away, "Wanna sleep with Ean?" I say to him and he waddles to his brothers room. I help him into Ean's bed and his brother wraps his arm around Emery. My heart warms.

Suddenly I'm beat and I go to bed next to Eric.

I wake up from a nightmare, Audrey running at me with the knife and stabbing me in the heart--me dying. I was so close to it, if Eric wasn't there I would've been dead, if Eirc didn't save me....so much could've went wrong and Eric...Eric would be ruined and would have to deal with five children on his own.

I get up and the first thing I do is go to Phoenix's room and watch him sleep. I look at how small he is, how skinny he is. I'm not sure what to do, I breastfed all of the children--the twins, he's the same age and I don't have formula in the house. Do I breastfeed him? Can I breastfeed him? I grab him and put him close to my chest I want to unbutton my shirt but for some reason I feel awkward and look to see if Eric is creeping near the doorway. I put him close to my breast and he doesn't do what my other children do, he doesn't take the milk and it's not that he isn't hungry--I know he is, he won't latch to me.

I go into the kitchen and pump my breast for milk, after I'm finished I try to bottle feed him that way and he still won't take it. He won't take my milk, it's like he knows I'm not his mother.

I run my hands through my hair, I'm too into this. I start to feel anxious and panicky and for some reason my vision is clouded with tears. I head into the bedroom and wake Eric up.

"Eric," my voice cracks.

"Hmm." He moans still half asleep.

"Phoenix, he won't--he won't take the milk, I-I don't know what to do." A tear pools down my cheek.

"What?" He's up now. "Do you think he's alright? He's just so....tiny."

I rub my forehead, "I-I don't know. He doesn't look healthy, he looks like he's starving--but he won't take my milk!"

"Do we have formula? I'll rush him to the doctor tomorrow if I have to."

"I haven't bought formula since Ean," I pick at my fingernails. I feel panicked.

"Fuck. Okay." He says getting up. "I'm going to buy some. I'll be back in five."

I sit around and wait for Eric to come back, I know I'm not his mother, but I feel as if I failed the kid, that I can't feed him. I can't be this maternal mother and bond with him that way. What if I never bond with him?

I feed the twins, and then set Ean and Emery at the table and feed them their usual morning cheerios.

"Who is the baby?" Ean asks me.
"Your brother Phoenix." I smile at him.

"A baby brother?" Ean's voice is high.

I nod my head. "That's right. He is your little brother, and Emery's little brother."

Ean continues to eat and Eric bursts through the door.  

"Daddy!" Ean shouts and gets out of his seat to hug Eric.

"Hey buddy." He ruffles Ean's hair, setting down the bags with the formula. "Elena, I hope you don't mind. I saw the pediatrician out and just brought him here." The doctor steps into our house looking slightly annoyed by Eric. He was probably forced into this.