My Fear (Eric Divergent Fanfic)

Chapter 45

That night I lay awake next to Eric, hands on my stomach, I think of him. I think of Eric as I've never thought of him before. I think of how he was arrogant, violent, ruthless, I think of him as a murderer. I think of the type of person you truly is when he leaves the house.

He's changed and I know that and he's here for the children I never thought he would want and he tries to be here for me. I can't stop thinking where he would be if I was never in the picture.

Eric is 28 years old, still young and still one of the leaders next to Max. He works long hours and his mind is constantly in a frenzy over confidential situations I can't know about.

I look over at his dark greasy hair, a strand has fallen in front of his face and cascades over his closed eyes. I look at all the holes in his face from piercings--I never quite liked all the piercings that flooded his face and as time passed he actually listened to me and wears very few now; just his eyebrow piercings and his ears.

I rub my stomach and think some more exactly what my life has turned into. For some reason it starts to sicken me that my life has been nothing to an extreme, I feel like this life is a prison, the faction system is a prison. To lose my children, to live by a motto; faction before blood, it's absurd. I want to be able to visit Emery in Erudite, or Eli wherever he chooses to go. I want my kids to pick a faction they want and not just because they were raised in a certain one.

Six children, I don't know how I'll do it and maybe the only reason I wanted to try for this sixth last year was because I look at Ean; he's 8...double that and he'll be sixteen choosing his faction. The test may tell him to go elsewhere (I doubt it) but if he gets a Candor result, or Amity, or Erudite, even Abnegation I want him to choose from the heart--but I also want to see him. My point being he is getting older as are the other kids and I want more time with them. I don't want to lose any of my babies.

Panic fills my mind. I run my finger over the scar I got from Eric during initiation--when he threw a knife at me. Bastard. Eric was brutal and these are the things the children hear. I know Eric has no shame in who he was and I know he doesn't want the children hearing it but...he's Eric and Eric was and probably still is a murderer who is a leader of warrior faction. He breaks and bends rules and he is Erudite in disguise of Dauntless black wear. He's too smart for his own good and too strong with too much power for the good of others.

I think Eric likes me cooped up in the apartment so he doesn't have to have me deal with the rumors, angry mobs, or actually see what goes on. I don't know if I mind it or not. I like the comfort of my own apartment--I feel safe here. But I want to break free, it feels like I'm in a jail cell at times.

I shake Eric awake. He mumbles and then half opens one of his eyes to look at me. I tuck back the strand of hair hanging in his face. "I can't sleep," I whisper to him.

He sits up and looks at me worried. "Is it the baby?"

I shake my head, "No," I mumble. I lay on my side and scooch closer to him. "I'm just worried. Worried about us."

He groans. "Why?"

I shrug my shoulders slightly. "What do you do when you go to work?"

"Run the compound." He rubs at his face in frustration.

I give him a serious look, "That's it?"

"I do whatever needs to be done, Elena." He sighs.

"You never tell me what you do, I-I just want to know what happens, why you come home nearly everyday with blood on your hands, your knuckles bruised."

"Don't be so dramatic. I do what needs to be done and that's all you need to know. It would put you in danger if you knew what I did, things are confidential for a reason."