Infinity | Sequel to Right Now |

Clean

Matt's Point of View

January 5th

It is hard.  I am not going to lie.  I haven't quite figured out what hurts the most.  Is it the betrayal?  Is it the loss?  Is it that I knew it was inevitable and I was the one that lied to myself through all of this time?  I don't know.

I know many things, but not when it comes to her.  We had our lives figured out in front of us.  That's what she wanted.  That's what we wanted.  But it wasn't enough.  I wasn't enough.  I am not him.  Why can't I make her happy like he does?  I love her, and she told me herself that she loves me back.  What does he have that I don't? 

Why can't I be him?

I guess I knew the moment I read those texts that if she were to know about them, I would lose her, but I simply couldn't bring my mind around the thought.  I love her so much.  She is my first love and I thought, and still think, she is the love of my life.  

I am not scared of lots of things in life.  Sure I dislike spiders and snakes and other disgusting things, but nothing compares to my fear of evolution.  I apprehend the future as it comes, fully aware of lots of conspiracy theories, but lots of research led me to believe how true they might be.  I am not mentioning the crazy politics, a few powerful leaders that are going to declare the death of all of us.  I am not joking.  I am truly scared, a simple look at the world we live in is enough to fear what is to come.  BUT I am not scared for myself.  I am scared for the generations to come.  That is why I don't want to have children.  I am scared of what is out of my control.  Just thinking about having a part of me to take care of in those times as his or her normal would be a world of fear, oppression and war, I don't want that.  I know it might not be this way, but my fear is stronger than anything inside of me.  If it wouldn't have been, I might have still V by my side.

It's not just kids that drove us apart.  She kept on bringing up issues we had, when there were none in my head. I keep on thinking back on what I did wrong not knowing what tore us apart. The only answer I have is I am not him. I keep on repeating her words in my head as they have been echoing since the second she left the house in tears.

"John Lennon said: 'Life is not about adding years to your life, but life to your years'.  Go to LA and be happy.  Start over where you will be free to do what you love and be the the extraordinary person you are.  I love you, Matt, and I will always be there for you if you ever decide to forgive me."

Now that I am on my own, Cindy has been with Niall since New Year's and so rarely home and my parents are in France, I feel completely lost.  It's like I lost a part of myself, of who I was and who I wanted to be.  I am not angry anymore like I was when she told me.  I am broken.  Sad.  Helpless.  Defeated.  It isn't reasonable for me to feel that way when a part of me always knew.  There were so many signs.  But last week, when I read her story back, I realised that we were indeed the two strangers that met and fell in love at the sighting of the Star.  We fell in love and made ourselves very happy, until our issues drove us apart, like the characters, but still meeting every year with our own families to ravish under the light of the sparkling star for one night. 

And that star is Harry.

I blinded myself to think that this was a big love letter to me through all this time when it was his instead.  It broke my heart ever more deeply, because even if I wanted her back, I could never compete with him.  Whatever I do, I can never be him.