Infinity | Sequel to Right Now |

Request: Love Has a Dark Side

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Happy late Mother's Day! I have decided to write this very special chapter in honour of my very loving & supportive mother as her Mother's Day gift.

Words will never be enough to express all the gratitude and love I have towards her.

I hope this chapter will do her justice.

Lots of love -xx-

Song for this chapter:

- Dark Side by Michael McDonald

Virginie's Point of View

October 3rd  (a year and a half after the wedding)

I pull my blanket tightly to my chest. It's not enough. I ease myself in my own little cocoon. I need more of the comfort than the warmth...

I have just put down the book I had forced myself to read to change my mind. I've finished it. And I feel empty now. For three hundred pages, I got to be somebody else and got to go through their drama to forget mine. Now, I have to face my world, my drama.

It has been maybe two weeks since I got back from Mexico. I lost my child. I lost myself. And I think I lost my husband as well. I don't know which hurts the most...

Being back home at my parents' house, which is technically now mine, feels good. Having them with me actually makes me feel something. They try so hard and I thank them with all my heart, but I just can't get away from the persistent mood I am in. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I barely left my old bedroom the first few days I got here. Actually, I don't remember a lot from these days. I barely can remember what happened yesterday. I stayed in bed. But what I can't shake out of my mind is the last time I spoke to Harry.

Thinking about him brings immediate tears to my eyes. I can't think about him without thinking about what we've lost and how much we've lost ourselves. I feel so guilty about what happened. I am guilty about the way I reacted towards him, how I handled things, but most certainly about the child I lost. I feel like it is all my fault. I have been haunted with the 'should have been's' every single second since I woke up that morning and H told me we had indeed lost our precious little 'Christmas Baby'. It wasn't even born that it was our greatest gift and our inspiration to every of our doings.

I miss him... Harry has always been my rock and I hate to feel this lost. I want to be with him. And yet, I don't. I wouldn't bare the sight of him. To be reminded of what we've lost. For him to remind me it was all my fault. Read the guilt in his eyes. I don't even want to know what he thinks of me. He must be wondering why he married me at all. All I do is bring drama in his life. His life would have been so beautiful and perfect without me dragging him into my dark times.

I am suddenly not comfortable in the cocoon I have made myself and roll on the bed to cuddle the huge teddy bear Liam sent me a couple of Christmases ago when Harry had broken up with me.

The bear is comfortable, but it's not him. I can't listen to the slow beatings of his heart. I can't feel his breath caressing my cheek as I rest my head in the pit of his neck. I can't feel his fingers drawing abstract patterns on my bare skin. And I can't smell his very own particular scent that is home to me. I can't seem to find the comfort I need. But I can't be the one he needs right now if I don't even recognise myself. It's worse than that. I can't even stand myself!!!

Jeff had this party full of big names and managers and executives last summer. Anyone who was anyone was there, from the Kardashians to Ellen DeGeneres. It was the craziest and the most glamorous party I had even been to. Needless to say, Harry had lots of friends there and I needed alcohol to be able to soothe my nerves to meet these people. Next thing I know, I am hammered, totally drunk. I don't remember much, but the smell still disgusts me to this very day. I had to get away from the weed smokers and the cocaine sniffers.