The Guide To Being Transgender

My Experience Being Trans

This update has sat in my drafts for two months now, and I'm kind of struggling to upload it. I'm doing it now, though, and I hope it helps someone out there.

A few people have DMed me, asking me to share my story specifically. I was hesitant at first because I'm a rather private person, but I think it could help some people. That way, you guys know that I'm real and have a unique experience of my own, that some of you may even relate to. I think it's important to have other people that you can relate to.

WARNING!
This story contains graphic depictions of mental health issues and self harm. Do not read further if you may be sensitive to these topics.

Without further ado, here's my story.

I guess I'll start at the beginning. I was born October 12, 2000, in a hospital in Florida that had the audacity to label me a girl. So, that's how I was raised. Pink and purple was thrown at me faster than I could even digest. I had barbies and dolls, though mostly stuffed animals because I had an obvious preference for them. I never understood playing with dolls, or even action figures. I liked stuffed animals and nerf guns more.

I was a relatively feminine, happy child. I wore dresses and pink and skirts, and I didn't complain. I didn't even know anything else. I always had an even group of friends, so that was never necessarily a telltale sign. I played with boys and girls alike. I was okay with being perceived as a girl, though I didn't really understand the concept of gender.

It's funny, but I didn't exhibit any signs. As far as anyone could see, I was a happy little girl without a care in the world. I think the more accurate description of my childhood is simply that I didn't care. I had such a big imagination that I could have fun doing anything. It didn't matter the gendered stereotypes forced upon me.

The only sign I had, and only I know this, was my discomfort toward my genitalia. It wasn't really that I wanted a penis, necessarily. I actually didn't even understand the difference between "boys" and "girls" at this stage.  I didn't know what a vagina was, or what a penis was. I sure as hell didn't know what one should look like. For all I knew, I could've had a penis. The issue I had with it is hard to explain. I felt uncomfortable when I had to look down there, or when I took a shower and saw it. I felt like it was abnormal, like maybe my genitalia was different from other peoples.

This is gonna sound gross, but I constantly picked at it and adjusted myself because it didn't feel right. I felt like a freak. In fact, when I learned the term intersex(which I learned before I learned any other LGBT+ term), I thought maybe I was intersex and my parents just hadn't ever told me. Obviously, I'm not actually intersex, but I couldn't figure out what actually was wrong with me. That feeling persisted throughout my childhood.

Things grew much more complicated when I started fifth grade. I was eleven, and I hadn't technically started puberty, but I started, well, developing. My chest grew, mainly. I never even really considered wearing a bra, but then I was talking to my friend one day and she said, and I quote, "You really need to start wearing a bra." Those words are ingrained in my memory.

I went home and told my mom, so she got me one of those little training bras that clips in the front. It was pink and white with butterflies on it. I was outraged. It sent me spiraling into a pit of despair that my eleven-year-old mind couldn't process, so I ignored it. I carried on with my life as if it never bothered me, even though it did every single day.

When I started middle school, I still identified as a girl. I had never even heard of trans people, and I didn't even think it was possible. Like, it wasn't even a thought in my mind because I didn't have the knowledge to think it. Sixth grade wasn't too bad. My bra issues were still there, but they didn't get any worse since my chest stopped growing. It seemed as if I would stay an A-cup forever, and I was perfectly okay with that.