The Guide To Being Transgender

Becoming Stuck

I think this is a really important chapter and it may end up being a tad long. This is something I've dealt with. I've had friends deal with this and I've heard others talk of dealing with this. It's a huge issue and I wanted to put my own two cents out there, so here we go.

It is so easy to become stuck in an identity. I'm not talking about stuck in a cis/het identity because you're not able to come out or you don't yet have the label that works for you.

I'm referring to what can happen if you pick a label and come out with it, and then realize it wasn't right. I'll use my friend as an example, without naming names.

She came to me questioning her gender. I was the only out trans man she knew, and she thought she may be a trans man as well. About a week later, she came out on all her social media as trans, told all her friends, and even told her mom. Now, she was received relatively well, and her mom was pretty supportive, but some time passed and she no longer felt like she was trans. She realized she was simply confused about a lot of things and projecting that onto her gender. So she came back out as cis again, and identifies as a woman to this day.

Now, she didn't become stuck, but some people do. Some people are ashamed that they got it wrong, or they don't want people to think they were just doing it to be trendy, so they become trapped within an identity that they no longer align with.

For example, say Tania comes out as a nonbinary agender person. She truly felt she was nonbinary when she came out, and maybe even still feels a connection to that identity, but it doesn't quite fit anymore. She now feels that perhaps she's more of a demigirl than a totally nonbinary person. However, she's made a lot of friends through her identity and is afraid of losing them. She doesn't want to upset anyone and she doesn't want to look like a transtrender. Because of these fears, she neglects her feelings and stays out as nonbinary. She becomes trapped in this nonbinary identity that she doesn't identify with, and she's afraid of telling people otherwise for fear of persecution.

This can become a problem for many reasons. First of all, it can cause some serious self hatred and deprecation. Second of all, it can cause you to go on living in a way that doesn't fit, like a puzzle piece haphazardly shoved into the wrong spot, so it stays but doesn't fit. And third of all, it can actually cause people to feel even more averse to you when you finally do come out of the trap because you went on for so long.

I want all of you to know that your identity is not a cleverly lain trap placed by other members of the community. You are valid in any identifying label you use, and your label can change. People become confused. It happens. We won't bite your head off if you change your mind on what label fits best, because it's still you.

If you come out as one thing but later feel it doesn't fit, tell people. Choose a different label. Don't let yourself become stuck.

It's okay to change your mind, or to reevaluate yourself and find that a label isn't so accurate as you once thought. It happens all the time, and it doesn't make you a bad person. You won't lose all of your LGBT+ friends just because of a faulty label.

This goes for names as well, I'd like to add. If you come out as trans, the first name you pick does not have to be the name you end up with! I have friends who've changed their names countless times, and still can't decide. I've used Macks for four years now, but if I start to feel it doesn't fit, I'll sure as hell change it! You can change your name, too! You just have to let the people in your life that support you know so that they can start to use the new name as well.

Alright, I think I covered everything I wanted to touch on. If there's something you'd like to add, a debate you'd like to see, or a question you'd like to ask, please feel free to comment! I answer almost all my comments when I see them, so that is a great way to get in touch with me. I hope y'all liked this chapter!