Playing Provincial Proxy (MSS#3)

44. Poem of Melancholy

Playing Provincial Proxy

Kabanata 44

"I'm sorry, Ruru. I'm taking back everything that I've said. It was really my fault. I cheated. I was not contented, I was not loyal, and yes, I probably deserved your pain. I deserved it, and I will accept it. I'm sorry for the hurtful words. Love is timeless. It takes no time. You cannot stop yourself from loving a person for the first time, and it depends on you on how long will you stay in that choice you had. Take that as an advice from your idiot ex boyfriend slash jerk bestfriend who later realized how much he's wasted. I want you to know, Ruru, that you're so precious. And I was not a man for not keeping you."

Arren smiled painfully. I was speechless and I don't know what to say.

"Damn. I've missed you so much. Can I hug you one last time?"

Tumalim ang tingin ko. Tumawa siya pero hindi abot sa kanyang mga mata. "Don't worry. This is just a friendly hug, Ruru. I miss my childhood amazona bestfriend."

Umatras ako at ngumiti kay Xinna. He did not move, as if moving an inch would mean he'd lost me... . That's what his eyes are telling me. Or, maybe, that was just what I am hoping for from him. That he would fear to lose me.

"Maybe, tama si Arren, Xinna. This was just an attraction. I can't love you in a short period of time," I lied. And my heart just broke into million pieces because of that lie.

Dumilim ang ekspresyon ni Xinna. Tila tinatago niya ang impact ng sinabi ko sa pamamagitan ng matigas na ekspresyon pero nakita ko parin... kung paano lumandas ang sakit sa mata niya nang panandalian.

Nag iwas ako ng tingin. I can't bear seeing him weak and vulnerable like this. It urges me to run to him, to hug him, and assure him that it will still be okay.

"Don't worry, Xinn. I know it's just also an attraction in your part. It'll fade soon. Try Kathey, she still loves you, you know. She came back here for you-"

"Stop it," his voice as cold as ice.

Ngumiti ako, hindi na nakaramdam ng takot. I'm sorry, Xinn, for not holding on. I'm sorry for giving you up. I'm sorry for not fighting harder. I lost the fight, and this is why I'm losing you, too.

"Yes, Xin, l-let's stop it." nagbara ang lalamunan ko.

Masakit. Sobra. Lalong lalo na ng kailangan mo pang lumaban pero gusto mo ng sumuko. Gusto pa ng puso mo, pero ayaw mo na. Sabi ko naman hindi ko na ipipilit ang sarili ko. Kaya ako ang magpaparaya.

Alam kong timing nalang ang pagtulo ng mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan. Kaya bago niya pa iyon makita ay tumalikod na ako. Nagkunwari akong abala sa pag aayos ng aking biseklita when in fact my knees and hands were trembling. He's watching me. He's probably waiting I'll change my mind. But no, I'll probably regret it, but I won't turn back on what I said.

"Why?"

Napatigil ako sa ginagawa dahil sa tanong niya.

"Saan ako nagkamali at nang maayos ko, Miss Vice President? Saan ako n-nagkulang?" Damn it. His voice broke. His voice broke!

Hindi ko siya kayang tingnan. Sinasaktan ko siya, walangya!

"Find it yourself," sa malamig na boses na kaya kong magawa. Tumulo ang mga taksil kong luha. Hindi ko na natiis. I drove away from him as fast as possible. Kasi baka mabawi ko pa lahat ng sinabi ko at bumalik nalang sa kanya.

Pagdating ko ng bahay, kaagad akong nahiga sa kama. Doon ko ibinuhos lahat, iyong frustration, sakit at panghihinayang. Sinubukan kong panatagin ang sarili sa pag iisip na hindi pa naman katapusan ng mundo. Marami pang lalaki dyan. Makakahanap din ako ng lalaking kayang lampasan si Xinna. I assured myself repeatedly even though I know it's useless.