A Girl in a Forgetful World

Forgive My Guilt

I'm self-conscious,

Who isn't?

Being myself is hard.

What if they don't like me?

What if they think I'm strange?

What if they don't want to be around me?

I've spent a long time in the shadows,

I've cried alone

In dark corners of my bleeding heart.

I've lost friends because of my honesty.

My feelings didn't suit them.

They thought I was selfish,

That my pain was stupid

And fake.

They thought I was a lie;

That I was different than who they really knew.

The truth is that they didn't know me.

They didn't know what pain I had felt,

What tears I had cried.

They thought I was manipulative,

And left me, once more, crying alone in the dark,

Bullet holes through my heart.

Was being me a bad thing?

I used to be forgiving,

I used to let things go.

But now I realize,

Why should I let them hurt me?

Why should I push aside my own feelings

To keep a reputation of compassion?

I had been digging my own grave

Until I was encased in pain.

I dug my way out,

Blood, sweat, and tears.

I washed my face,

I changed my clothes,

I changed my heart.

I came back.

I was welcomed by embraces and love,

With smiling, friendly faces.

One person was missing;

The person who nearly broke me,

Shattered me,

And almost blew away the remaining ash that had once been my strength.

I spent too long in the dark;

I could have tried harder to find the light.

It wasn't me,

It wasn't who I was,

Only the idea of who I thought I was.

I regret not being me,

I regret not saying what I should have said.

I try to let go,

I try to forget.

But still,

The tugs and twists of a broken heart,

The sharp pricks of memory

Still pull me back.

I want to give in,

I want to go back.

It would surely be easier than fighting,

Than being strong.

But I won't go back,

I won't.

So, please –

Forgive my guilt.