A Girl in a Forgetful World

4 a.m.

It's the conversations

I replay in my head

At 4 a.m.

That make me realize

I still miss him.

There's a little feeling 

Deep in my heart

That knows

When he's caught off guard,

The sound of my laughter echoes

Through his memories,

And I know that part of him

Has to fight that memory.

It's too sweet 

And too precious

To be ruined by the hell we call reality.

I love that throughout the day,

I'm fine.

I don't think of him

Because I have other distractions.

I have schoolwork,

Friends,

And classes

To worry about.

Not him... 

Not then...

Not at that time...

But at 4 a.m.,

When my mind is bored

And searching my brain

For a dream to play,

It always finds him.

My barriers and shields

Are always down at 4 a.m.,

And he always show up.

I can't say I hate it,

Because the unspoken words,

I miss you,

Fill my heart

And I can't ignore it.

I also love that before this all exploded,

The unspoken words were

I love you,

But now it's

I'm sorry,

And,

I miss you.

So much has changed in just

Less than a year.

Friends move on,

And boyfriends don't.

Girls get boy crazy,

And boys get girl crazy.

Friendships are torn apart,

And a kiss on the lips

Is no longer present.

All this comes back to me

When it's 4 a.m.

I know his brain always 

Remembers me 

At 4 a.m. too,

Because he's told me so.

These thoughts are not the

Only thing going on though...

It's also me leaving him on read,

And him asking me why sometimes 

I ignore the pleas for forgiveness,

And sometimes I sink three balls when we play pool.

I don't know...

I really don't.

It's him texting me 

At 4 a.m.,

Knowing I'm up,

Saying he misses me so, so much.

It's me reading 

And waiting...

Rereading,

Typing,

Erasing,

Finally waiting again 

For morning to bring this

To an end.

It's me being forced against my will

To stay up until the sun rises

Because my brain is restless.

I wonder about how one person

Could miss me as much as he does.

It's me,

At 4 a.m.,

Realizing that I miss him too...

I miss him...

I don't know why,

And I don't know how.

I would go back to him but...

No, no,

I should go back to him,

My brain whispers at 4 a.m.

In the end,

My heart ends up overpowering my brain.

It says louder,

How can you forgive a monster, though?

You know he used you...

You know it was just a disguise the whole time...