A Girl in a Forgetful World

Was It All Pretend?

I'm looking at the pictures of you,

And listening to sad songs too.

All of the memories 

Fill my mind,

And I can't help but think 

If you're doing the same thing right now.

I wonder if you're crying 

As much as I am...

Or were those tears before

All just pretend?

You would kiss my cheek,

And say you loved me.

You would hug me tight,

And whisper jokes in my ear.

You would make me laugh

At our inside jokes,

Our silly secrets,

And our embarrassing moments.

When I came to you crying,

I was vulnerable.

I wasn't happy,

I didn't feel safe yet,

But...

I knew one thing...

That I was missing you.

You forgave me,

So I feel like I should forgive you...

But how can you forgive someone who breaks your heart?

Breaks your promises?

And breaks your emotions so badly that everything spills out

Onto everyone

And washes away your day with tears?

I asked you if one day,

Near or far,

Would I lose you?

Maybe to another girl?

"I love you more than anything in this world,"

You said...

"You won't lose me... I'm right here with you. I always will be."

I believed you.

It's funny how horribly wrong we both were. 

My worst fear was confirmed.

I told myself not to even think it up.

Just a misunderstanding,

You wouldn't ever do that to me...

How innocent and hopeful I was then.

The minute I saw you with her,

I knew we might be over.

I couldn't imagine living without you again. 

You had saved me so many times,

And how could I survive without you?

But then,

An dark, unsettling thought came to my mind...

Was it all pretend?

Were you pretend?

Were we pretend?

I never thought my heart would lie to me,

That you would lie to me,

Yet here we are.

You made me feel so special,

You made me feel like I mattered,

That I was something you loved.

You say you still love me,

And I know that I'll still miss and love you too,

But was that love ever real?

Before her?

Before we were separated for so long?

I wonder,

If maybe we let our secret out,

That we would be laughing right now,

Playing video games at your house...

I'd love to be living in that moment,

Instead of where we're at now.

But darling,

If there's one thing I know,

It's that the beginning was real

At least.

That was before this other girl,

Before you found someone to replace

The "most important person in the world" with.

I can't believe I took that title to heart.

I know I will still miss you,

I know I will still love you.

As I glance at one last picture,

With your nose nestled in my neck,

And a giddy smile on my face,

It hurts to think of what might have been-

Or actually- 

What I thought was going to be us.

One last tear slips down my cheek as I realize

That's all a distant memory now.

I wish I had amnesia

So I could forget you.