A Girl in a Forgetful World

Do You Actually Love Me?

You say you love me,

You say you care.

You say you will always be there...

But what happens behind my back?

I know I'm not being overreactive.

I've told myself that

But I am getting better at learning

When I am being honest

And when I am being used.

You know what she has done to me,

You know what she has said.

You know what she has called me,

You know how she feels.

Whenever you talk about her,

You say, 

"Yeah, my friend..."

I'm not stupid. 

I know who you're talking about. 

There's something I never told you,

Something that happened that night

That I never told anyone, really. 

The night you two ganged up on me

Was my nightmare come true. 

The world took over.

The hate,

The pain

Punched me in the stomach

Hard.

The breath was sucked out of my lungs

And no more words came from me.

The phone kept buzzing...

Buzzing...

Buzzing...

And wouldn't stop. 

Anxiety pills couldn't fix this.

I was having an attack,

A terrible one I hadn't had since third grade.

And it didn't plan on going away. 

I couldn't breathe, 

I couldn't talk,

I couldn't move.

I could only rock back and forth,

Sitting on the edge of my bed. 

I didn't dare pick up the phone.

I was mortified.

What was happening to my body?

No one knows that part of me is there.

I don't like talking about it. 

I'm as fragile as a flower

And you managed to crush me with a few words.

You know the pain I have felt,

But not all of it...

Not the pain you have caused.

You are totally oblivious to it,

Like you think your words have no meaning. 

I'm not an idiot, my darling. 

You can't use me anymore. 

I'm not stupid, 

I know who this "friend" is. 

And so, I ask you,

Do you actually love me?