A Girl in a Forgetful World

Disappointed

I was told,
A long,
Long time ago,
That a relationship between a father
And his daughter
Is one to hold dearly to.

A father shows his little girl
How a proper man should act.

A father helps his daughters
With math assignments
And teaches them to work out the problems
Until they can do it on their own.

A father reads a bedtime story
To his toddler girls
And kisses them goodnight.

A father casually threatens his daughters' boyfriends
In hopes that they will treat her well
And if they don't,
Their life will be a living hell.

Sweet and simple,
All just looking for the best
That his daughter can have.

A father tells his daughter he loves her
And hugs her
And kisses her
And tells her that she is beautiful,
That no boy deserves her,
That she can do anything she dreams.
Anything she dreams....
I wish my dream of him
Could be a reality.

I wasn't given the "I love you"
In the morning
Before he heads off to work.

Instead,
I was given the "Don't be stupid, I already told you this"
When I ask for help with math homework.

I was given the "what?"
When I call you
For anything:
A serious problem,
Or just to say hi.
I thought maybe,
Maybe if I tried,
You would too.
Maybe I'd get a real dad,
The one I always wanted.

It was too good to be true.
All I got was a disappointed father.

I want to believe it's tough love,
I want to believe that maybe
You're just trying to make me strong,
Trying to prepare myself for
The real world....
I need to stop lying to myself
Like how you lie to me.

When you look at me across the table,
I can see it in your eyes.
I know you're looking me up and down,
Wondering how on earth could I be your daughter?
I know...
I'm just such a disappointment.

I meet your eye contact,
And you quickly avert your gaze.
You're wonderful wife says to me,
"Dear, you really shouldn't be eating so much,
You can come to the gym with me tomorrow if you like...
Maybe work on your thighs...?"

I look back up at you,
Begging you to stop her from saying these things -
Disgracing my body,
My features,
Disregarding my feelings
And the fact that I'm a human being too.
I know you feel the guilt,
I know because you've never met my gaze
And yet you've never stopped her.
I wish you would,
But you are always disappointed in me anyway,
So why try to help me when I am weak?

"I'm going upstairs,"
I say.
"I don't... I don't feel so good..."
You let me slip away
Just like you always do.
I can't disgrace the family
When I'm not even around.

This last summer,
I was in my bed,
Staring up at the ceiling
Of my crappy, makeshift bedroom
At your house,
Wondering how I got here.
I'm not even supposed to be allowed to see you,
But you left my mother with hardly enough money to buy a horrible lawyer,
While you got the best defense in town.
You only have rights to me
Because you cheated.

While I lay there,
I think about all the times I've disappointed you.

"It's just math, come on!"

"You have to have surgery? How much is this going to cost me?"

"Oh, no daughter of mine is going to see a therapist. What do you need therapy for, anyway? You're fine!"

"Don't disgrace me in front of my boss."

"Don't back sass your step mother..."
"But, Dad, she said I act like a slu-"
"I said, don't back sass your step mother! You're lucky she even talks to someone like you!"

Yeah, lucky.
I'm lucky to have been
Bullied all my life.

I'm lucky to have been made
Insecure by your wife.

I'm lucky that her words
Are the reason why I left my boyfriend,
And the mess that followed us after that.
If you weren't in my life,
He and I could have been happy right now.
Yes,
Lucky is the word to use...

I'm lucky to have
No other father to turn to
But you.

I'm lucky that
You are my father.
Oh
So
Lucky...

Disgrace and disappointment
Are words you like to use
Before you say my name...

If there's one lesson I've learned from you,
It's that...
A daughter never forgets the way
Her father looks at her
Like she's a disappointment.