Runaway ✔

103 • Dana

It was the most heartbreaking thing Dana had ever seen. A group of tough, unyielding men who were now staring forward, completely dazed while they tried to wrap their heads around the words Kozik had just spoken. Dana herself hadn't been able to express a single word. 

Right through her own tears, she saw those of the others. Chibs wiped them away with fierce movements, and Bobby and Kip didn't even try to do that. Jax had squatted on the ground, clawing with his fingers through his blonde hair while mumbling "oh god no" over and over again. Clay was leaning with his hands on the table, glaring at her. His glance made her shiver, it felt like he knew perfectly well what she'd done. He didn't cry, and together with Kozik he was the only one. 

Juice stood a few steps away from her, his back turned toward her. She knew  him good enough to know he felt ashamed of his tears, believing he had to be strong for her. She didn't know whether she had to go to him or should wait until he was ready. 

Cherry and Gemma both sat on a chair, their faces pale. Tears were also shining on their cheeks. None of them seemed to find the strength to comfort their partners. 

All Dana wanted, was leaving this room. 

She had caused this. She  had taken away their friend. 

And it wasn't just that. Soon someone would tell Piney he'd lost his son, and someone would awake Kenny and Elly telling them their father was murdered. 

Dana turned around and rushed outside. The grief of the others made her burn with guilt. Her whole body was shaking, and the atmosphere felt so oppressive she couldn't stand on her feet any longer. A few meters away from the picknick table her legs could no longer carry her. She dropped down on the ground, wrapped her arms around her knees and pushed her face against them. 

Her whole body was trembling while she wept and mumbled incoherent apologies. Oh, how she wished she could turn back time. The emptiness she'd felt when she had been a prisoner was much easier to bear than the pain and the guilt burying her now. And then Opie would have lived, her brother had been free and she would never crush Juice's heart.

Dana knew she had to repress her own pain. She had to do everything in her might to make Juice feel better. It was her obligation, it was what she was supposed to do. But she couldn't force herself to stand up, to face the pain she had caused. She felt broken, shattered. 

Everyone in that clubhouse hated her. 

They had to. Subconsciously. She did this to them. A black sheep, attracting nothing but misery. She had to leave this place, things would only become worse. She took a few deep breaths. This was her fault. She couldn't make things right, all she could do was making sure no more graves needed to be dug. 

She had to go now, now Juice and Kozik were struggling with their own feelings and didn't pay attention to her. They would realize she had no choice, that this was best for everyone. She didn't know how to live with the knowledge she'd killed Opie. Opie, who'd promised her to show how it felt to have a real friend when she told him about Casper. 

He'd paid the ultimate price. 

That wasn't a thought she could just ignore. As long as she stayed in Charming, that thought would hung over her like a dark cloud, cloaking everyone around her in shadows. 

Her gullet contracted, she broke out in sweat. Before she could take a deep breath, she puked on the asphalt. Vomit splattered on her bare arm and her pants, and she stared at it stunned. She spitted on the ground, hoping to get rid of the awful taste.

She rubbed her eyes and tried to pull herself together. She needed to go, now. Could she sneak inside to get her helmet and keys? Or was the chance that someone would notice her too big? For a moment she toyed with the idea to send Maddox a message to pick her up a few blocks from here, but it would take some time before he was here and in the meantime they would get suspicious. 

No, she had to do this all by herself. 

She got up and strolled back to the clubhouse. It was still dead silent. Her eyes crossed Kozik's and she quickly turned away her face and moved on, to the dorm rooms. There she pulled a sweater out of the closet and grabbed her helmet and keys. How could she take those with her without being noticed? Maybe she should go the office and use the window.

She froze when the door opened. 

Feeling caught, she turned around. 

Juice was standing in the doorway, his eyes puffy and red. "You really think this is the best moment to leave me? You think I don't feel messed up enough?" Even though his tone had been vicious at first, he broke now and started to sob. Tears rolled down his cheeks. 

Dana flinched. Seeing him so broken, hurt every cell of her body. Her lips started to quiver. "It could have been you, Juice," she whispered. "I can... I can't stay..."

"Neither can you leave!" He stepped toward her, cupped her face with both hands. "I love you, Dana. I know we aren't together for a long time, but I never loved someone so much and I rather die than letting you return to that asshole. He will hurt you again, he will... he will rape you." More tears streamed down his face. "We will find a solution, you just have to stay inside the clubhouse. I know you hate to be locked up but... but it's better than returning to him, right?" He took a deep breath, his eyes were giant because of the panic that had a hold on him. "I can't lose you, Dane." His thumbs caressed her cheeks with choppy movements. "I will never stop looking for you and..." The rest of his murmurs got lost in his sniveling. 

Dana had the feeling her whole chest shrunk and swelled, as if it could burst any moment. It was horrible to see him so wounded, to feel his grief.   

Her helmet slipped out of her hand. There was no way she could leave him this way, she couldn't run away at the moment he needed her the most. Her arms slipped around his lean body and she pulled him close. 

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I panicked, I'm just... I'm just scared as hell you'll be the next." She closed her eyes, holding him tighter. 

She wished she could get so close to him Maddox could never ever separate them.