lungs

part 22

my main goal today is to find out what's up with jacob. he's been so mean and distant from everyone ever since zach's been suspended, including me.

i saw him walking alone as i walked from my house to go to the bus stop.

i waved to him but all he did, as usual, was roll his eyes at me.

i groaned and started running his way. when he noticed i was running, he tried to avoid me.

"don't you ignore me, sartorius!" i yelled, man i got so use to calling joey by his last name that now i'm doing it to other people.

"what do you want?" he asked annoyed as i approached him.

i scoffed, "why are you like this?" i asked.

"like what?"

"you're so mean now after zach got suspended. you're not acting like yourself." i said loudly as i, too, got annoyed.

in fact, loud enough that i think the neighborhood could hear. sometimes i just get mad and i lose my temper for no reason, do i have anger issues? i think it's one of the side effects from my medication that i take for my lungs.

"well maybe i don't know myself, anna!" he yelled also, even louder than me.

i furrowed my eyebrows and titled my head a little as i got confused, "what do you mean?"

he shook his head as if he was disappointed, but what is there to be disappointed about? "just forget it okay?" he said.

i need to know why he's like this. he's my friend, my first friend since i got here. "no i'm not forgetting it!" i said sternly. he looks at me with one of his another annoyed looks, "now tell me what you mean!" i said.

"just stop!" he yelled, as if i could see the steam coming out of his ears like those cartoons.

"no!" i yelled.

he clenched he jaw as i looked down and saw fists form in his hands. my heart got a paste, maybe i should've just forgotten it.  i could feel my one little lung arch up a little.

"i'm gay okay!?" he breathed, like he was holding it in forever. i don't blame him, the man said it for himself, he's gay. "it's that what you wanted to hear anna? i'm fucking gay, alright."

wow, i never heard jacob curse. i mean yeah "damit" sometimes, let alone "shit" but jacob sartorius saying the hard f bomb. that's a shocker.

i parted my jaw from my shock, "jacob i didn't know."

"yeah well now you do." he says. "and because of you i can see zach, an-and i like him." i can the relief in his eyes as i stare at them, i must be the only one who knows besides himself.
"at first i liked joey but then he told me he liked you and i knew i didn't have a chance." he said.

joey likes me? oh my god. no, this isn't about me, it's about jacob.

"then i started talking to zach and then i started gaining feelings and when i saw him grab your waist," he paused, "i didn't know how to feel and then things took a wrong turn and joey started to beat the shit out of zach." at this point he was crying, i mean it's hard coming out, especially for the first time. well, i'm not gay but i can imagine it would be hard.

i look at his hands and hold them tight in mine, i look back up at his eyes. "jacob, i don't care if you're gay, i don't care if you have one arm, because no matter what i will be your friend, okay?" i said.

he nodded historically but then moved his head to the crook of my neck as he cries. basically the same position that joey and i were in last night when he was telling me about my scar.

as jacob silently cries in my neck i hear a car go by. that feeling of being watched takes over me as jacob wraps his arms around my torso while pulling me closer to him and crushing my insides, but not crushing them enough to crush my lung.

i put my hand on the back of his head and trace my thumb through his hair. i always found that feeling great, just someone rubbing a area that you can't. i remember how joey rubbed my back when i cried and told him that my parents were getting divorced, i really am falling for him aren't i?

after a minute or two of hugging and swinging back and fourth, he pulls away from the hug and wipes his tears.

"thanks anna." he smiled soft, similar to how joey does his soft smiles. "just promise me one thing."

"what?" i asked.

"just don't go around telling people i'm gay, okay?" he chucked and scratched the back of his neck, "you're kinda the only one that knows."

i knew it, i'm the only on that knows.

i give him a soft smile back and hold out my pinky. "i pinky promise i won't tell." i said.

he locked his pinky with mine and smiled from ear to ear, "okay."

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BOOM! here you guys go, the one thing you all been waiting for.