lungs

part 91

i watched him walk away from my house, not looking back once. he turned the corner, not going to his house across the street. he really is leaving isn't he?

i closed my window and sat back down on my bed. i ran my hands through my hair and rested my elbows on my thighs. "what the fuck?" i whispered to myself.

i grabbed harder on my hair as i started to breath more heavy. something inside of me was rising, it was like it's been wanting to come out for a long time.

i stood up and took a pillow and put in front of me on the bed. my eyes began to water as i stood there.

"i love you enough to let you go."

i squinted my eyes shut and made my hands into fists, before punching my pillow. i started to punch my pillow as if it was a person, as if it was joey.

he put me through all this pain for almost a month and a half and then he leaves me again like it's nothing. he told me that he would never leave me and we will be together forever.

i went over to the pictures of us on my wall and looked at them. some of them were of when he use to come over at night and others were when we walked home from the bus stop. i never had the time to take these down.

"piece of shit." i said to myself as i took the picture he held last night of us holding hands.

i held the picture over my head before smashing it down on the ground into a million pieces, making the glass go everywhere.

i took a big piece of the glass and took the stuff animal that joey gave me for valentine's day. i started to stab it with the glass blade as the stuffing cotton came out.

"you fucking liar!" i said, yelling it. i took the stuffed animal to my window and opened my window, soon to throw it out the window.

i watched it drop down into the grass, where it will stay until someone finds it.

as i started to calm down, i went to my closet and got out a old big shoe box. i put it on my bed before i walked around my room and collected everything that joey gave me.

i took the plastic roses, the empty box of chocolates, all the pictures of him and i, the first stuffed animal he gave me, the blanket we sat on valentine's day, i took the pillow off my bed that he would always sleep on when he came over, and even his favorite sweatshirt he gave me into the box.

i'm never opening this box, not in a million years, and that's a promise. i don't want anything to do with him. i don't even want to be reminded of him.

as i put the box into the back of my closet, i started to cry more. it's like i'm hurting even more than i was. joey took my heart, and he never gave it back.

i closed the closet door and put my back to it, slowly sliding down. i curled up into a ball with my arms wrapped around my knees and my head tucked in.

my crying got even worse, i never cried this much in my life. i feel like the one thing that i loves was just taken before my eyes, joey.

joey

his hazel brown eyes, that prefect structured smile, the soft chocolate brown hair and that six foot tall posture that was the love of my life, is now gone and never to be seen again.

i'm so stupid to suggest to break up in the first place. this wouldn't have never happened if i would just kept my mouth shut.

i started to hit my forehead hysterically out of pain and regret. "stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid." i said to myself.

i looked at the glass shatters on the ground, thinking that's how my heart has been for the past month and a half, broken.

i don't love jacob the way i love joey, that can never happen. i don't even know what i want to do anymore.

i got up from the ground and got back into bed. covering myself up with blankets, i expected for joey to wrap his arms around my waist, but he didn't.

that spot he always slept in doesn't even have a pillow anymore, all because of me.

i got out my phone from my night stand and went to my photos. i clicked on the 'edit' icon and began to tap every single photo of joey, even the ones with him and i.

i ended up tapping 493 photos before hitting the trash can. it asked me if i wanted to delete all and without hesitation i clicked yes.