Breaking Ice

68

Amelia

The trampoline is the only thing on the property that hasn't been tainted. I push the netting away and jump up. After pushing the snow off I lay down in the center staring up at the stars. This isn't how Christmas was supposed to go. I was supposed to be hanging out with Ash and the kids drinking hot chocolate. Laughing at Jeremy and Isaac arm wrestle over who gets to open their presents first, it's always Jere who wins. Instead I'm sitting alone on this trampoline in the freezing cold, angry and confused. I'm angry at Steve for being on Josh's side and at Ronnie for ruing my life, but I'm confused over what to do about Josh since I still love him. What he said was unforgivable, I don't even recognize the man I fell in love with anymore.

I feel the trampoline dip as I'm lost in thought. Quickly I sit up making my presence known.

"Shit I didn't now anyone was up here, I'll go" Josh says as he scrambles back down. Something rolls my way.

A bottle of red wine.

"Keeping this to yourself" I laugh

"I don't mind sharing if you don't mind my company" He laughs even in the darkness I know his eyes are squinting and he's smiling.

"As long as there is no talking about anything serious you've got a deal"

He climbs back up, taking a seat right next to me. He pops the cork before handing me the bottle.

"If I knew I'd be sharing I would have brought some glasses"

"It's not like this is the first time we've done this"

The last time we had done this Andrew had shown up uninvited  to Momma Dun's on Thanksgiving. As expected him and Anthony got into a huge fight. Nonbiological father or not Ant still hated him for how he was during our childhood.

"Get the hell out of here Andrew" Anthony yelled "Nobody wants you here!"

"You don't get to decide that" Andrew yelled back.

Within seconds Anthony had stepped forward and punched him in the face. Everyone gasped. This can't be happening. I ran out of the house trying to avoid the chaos that is my biological family. Josh came running after me. I looked behind me when I got to the trampoline, Josh wasn't behind me. Once I got up and whipped my eyes Josh was next to me with a bottle of red wine.

"We may be here a while" He smiled pulling me onto his lap

"I'm so sorry. My family always seems to find a way to ruin every holiday" I sigh resting my head in his chest.

"They are chaotic but they're my family now too, Mrs.Dun" Josh said lifting my chin up, placing a kiss to the tip of my nose.

Josh popped the bottle of wine, taking turns drinking from the bottle. I was so thankful Isaac was upstairs asleep. We watched his baby monitor as we talked. The more we drank the more tired I got. Sometime between talking about how Thanksgiving is a garbage holiday and talking about music I fell asleep and Josh carried me back into the house.

"So what did you get me for Christmas" Josh laughs

"Uh I kept you from getting beat up by Ronnie, what about me?" I laugh

"This bottle of wine I got from the top shelf of my moms cabinet." He smiled handing me the bottle.

"Oh why thank you"

"Ahme I'm really sorry about everything that has happened the past three weeks, honestly. I guess I didn't think everything was going to be different. "

"You were gone for thirteen years. We grieved your loss for so long. Why would everything stay the same? You were the glue that held this family together after you left nobody knew what to do. Then everything just fell apart and everyone has been distant. I haven't seen Sky in years, Jordan and I are rocky, Ash is the only person I see regularly."

"I know I know. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. Can you forgive me?"

"For leaving I can since I know you felt like you had to do it but for everything else that has happened between us since then, not yet"

"What can I do to make you trust me again?"

"Give me space and be open with me. Tell me how you feel. No more secrets. No more lies. I can't keep going in this circle with you. I want you Josh the old you not this angry, short fused new you."

"I want to be that for you. I'll tell you anything you want to know"

Just like that all these questions starting spewing out of me. Surprisingly he answered every single one of them and I could tell by the look in his eyes he was being honest. He told me everything that happened while he was away. He gave me way too many details about what happened with Mr.D and Travis. How he got back in touch with Sidney, which made my spine shiver at even the mention of her name. He was hurt and alone but was too afraid to do anything about it for so long. He took up boxing in Arizona but Mr.D found him since someone recognized him so he ran away to Portland.

After hours of him spilling all of his secrets as well as me spilling mine I scooted closer to him and kissed his forehead. I knew I shouldn't have done that but after everything it just felt right.

"Ahme" Josh breathed rubbing his thumb across my cheek "It's okay"

I was crying.

"I shouldn't have done that" I sigh

"I would have done it if you didn't" He smiled "I love you Amelia. You don't have to say it back but I want you know that my feelings for you haven't changed."

"Josh please not right now" I said crying harder

"What? Why?"

"There is just so much going on in my head right now. I still want us to take some time to get back on track and relearn each other. All of this is too much for me to take in and handle. Please give me some time Josh." I sighed

"Do you still want a divorce?" He asked his voice coming out like a whisper

"I-I don't know. Fuck Josh you are constantly screwing with my head. I finally excepted that you were gone and started moving on and you pop back up. Then I think we're good and you blow up on me. I felt like this was it we were over and now here we are again." My voice changing from sadness to frustration.

"I don't mean too." He sighs running his hands through his hair

This was a different reaction than the last time I said he messed with my head.

"I know you don't Josh but -"

"Do you love him?" He asks cutting me off

"What? Who?"

"Carter. Is this why you need time away from me? To decide which one of us you love." He asks

His tone is odd. It doesn't sound angry but it does sound mocking. I don't know how to answer him. I really like Carter, things have been going well between us but I don't have an answer into whether or not I love him.

"That's what I thought" He sighed moving away from me heading towards the opening of the trampoline.

Everything was going so well.

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