Tw // I got emo
"Blades have no weight anymore"
I didn't expect to fall back into it so easily
The need was less dormant than I thought it was
More so drowsy than sedated.
I left the razor inside my forth drawer, "just in case"
I don't think I even tried this time.
You're an old friend
It's not like I don't know you're toxic
We don't even bother with the pleasantries
"I'm gonna fuck you over so good this time" you say
"Oh, you know it," I reply.
The truth is, I'm made of baby bird bones
Stained with a kind of shame that won't go away
And an ache that lingers through all the bloodshed.
The yearning survives all the suppression, spilling from my skin like a prophecy.
I want it and I hate myself for wanting it
Somehow smooth skin feels wrong.
Nostalgia feels like visiting the park I played in when I was little, nostalgia feels like revisiting last month's relapse and finishing the job.
Overhead, the vultures circle.
Might've posted this a while back. It's a few months old. Luv how the style changes drastically in the middle
"Me being sad in Untitled"
I give myself to the urge,
There's a chasm in my chest where my happiness used to be
I try to release it, to reanimate it.
It runs through my fingers, sweet and slick, blood and sinews and tissues.
If I listen hard I can hear the phantom of my heartbeat.
I kneel to repent the awful sin of being born.
I tried to hold out against it but I'm crushed under it's weight.
Barefoot, I tremble against the cracks of who I am
Tethered to my fear
My mother weeps salt
She lets her grief swallow all of her until it bloats.
I tell her to give her grief to me
Some things cannot be said, they can only be screamed.
"Reincarnation"
I walk in footsteps long filled,
An earth my bones know well.
I know I'll walk here again, when I am drenched in amniotic fluid, when I am warm and red a new.
Wear and worn, an archiac body of gristle
I long to return to the womb I came from.
A womb strung with constellations, darkened in blues that are soft on the inside, cooling my fevered skin.
A lone figure will wait for me.
Draped in the song of the universe, she will undress me down to essence, beyond blood and bone and flesh.
I sink into the pool beneath her feet, water enrapture.
I soak in everything I could ever be.
She will dump my skin with all the others.
My memories light up the room like fireflies. She captures them in a jar with all the others, singing songs of "I've been here before"
I'll wake with a staggering step, new eyes that haven't yet seen, but have seen so much.
I'll wake with a newness to everything, yet the only thing I'll feel is a tiredness deep to my bones
And a longing to return home.
"Getting Better, I Suppose (aka delaying The Deed until my next big crisis)"
I am trying to stay alive
Isn't that enough
Yesterday I cried because I spilled some milk
Yesterday I stared at the pills until my eyes blurred
The milk dribbled onto the floor. I didn't mop it up.
But I poured myself another glass, and I didn't swallow it with a handful of pills
So yes, I am trying to stay alive
And maybe it's enough
