so it's 12:15am on the 25th here in nz.
I always get emo around Christmas because I'm a Sad Person and Christmas usually brings it out for me. But this year I'm not feeling so sad? Usually I feel down because I miss the way Christmas felt when I was a kid, the excitement and the joy of it all, and now I can't feel that way. Buuut I'm not feeling so bad right now. Maybe I've discovered the true meaning of Christmas and this is my movie moment? Oooor maybe I'm saving up my sad for a world record meltdown on new years. You know which one it is.
I'm pretty sure every teen and adult feels this way about Christmas. And I've resigned myself to never being able to feel that excitement for Christmas again. I've also resigned myself to never being happy at all because I'm depressed but that's something for another day. Thing is, it's probably true. We're never going to be able to feel the same way about Christmas as we once did. That's part of growing up. As a kid it was magical, full of wonder. You count down the days from the start of November, excitement growing and growing. Christmas Eve, you go to bed thinking you'll never be able to sleep, your brain wide awake with thoughts of presents and Santa. But egentually you drop off. You wake up the next day, surprised you slept at all, tearing off your covers and racing into your parent's bedroom at 6:00am in the morning. The milk and cookies (and beer - is this just a nz/Australia thing?) are mysteriously gone, Santa's written a note for you making jokes suspiciously similar to the jokes your dad has made about aucklanders...You tear open your presents, family watching. Your heart is full.
And now you can't even be bothered to get up early.
It feels like losing a piece of your childhood that you can never get back. We all wonder, when will Christmas be joyful again? When will it feel like when I was a kid? It...probably won't. Now it's money and stress and organisation.
This is sounding very grinchy. I promise The True Meaning of Christmas is coming.
Thing is, as sad as it is, that might just be okay. Christmas is for kids. It isn't for adults. It hurts to leave it behind, but maybe it isn't so bad. We get our joy and excitement in different ways. It's in the way we accomplish our goals. In the way we love our family and friends and appreciate them like we couldn't as kids. It's in the way we celebrate the little things. Getting in bed after a long day. Getting another pet. Getting inspired for a new project. Maybe you're not going to count down the days, or lie awake excited. But that's okay. Being a teen or an adult is hard as hell. Everything becomes that bit more meaningful.
What happened this year that you're so grateful for? This sounds a bit thanksgiving-ish or new years-ey, but it doesn't matter. You can be grateful all the time. I'm happy I made it to Christmas. I didn't want to. I still don't want to be here. I didn't think I would be. But I made it! I have incredible friends, and school went better than expected. That's what I'm celebrating Christmas for. Recognising that shits been hard, but I'm surrounded by people around me.
It's not the same. This uh... didn't sound as True Meaning of Christmas as I thought it was gonna be. I just wanna say, use this time to focus on the good things about Christmas. Seeing family, (not always a good thing for everyone. My heart is with anyone who's struggling) eating good food, (eating disorder gang rise up) having a break from school, and just having a good time.
At the end of the day, christmas can be a hard time for everyone, for any reason. Don't beat yourself up about it not feeling the same way it used to, or it not being the most joyful time of the year. In the end, what I want to say is that Christmas means shit. It's not important. It doesn't need to feel the same way it used to. It doesn't need to feel good. Everyone can find joy in something. Make that something just as important, just as exciting as Christmas was.
I love you all. Stay safe and take care of yourselves. My inbox is always open ❤❤
