Ed, sh, and suicide tw//
Bit of a vent, sorry guys.
102 days after having no coronavirus cases, 14 people in auckland tested positive. It's estimated there's up to 70 with corona in nz right now. Auckland is in lockdown, the rest of the country in level 2. It will be announced tomorrow if the whole country goes back into lockdown. As my city is fairly close to Auckland, and one of the people who tested positive went to Rotorua, which is only an hour away from my city, I assume we're goinf into lockdown.
I can't describe how awful I feel. My mental health isn't in a place to handle lockdown right now. I may as well call A&E and tell them to get the activated charcoal ready. But seriously, I don't think I'll survive this.
I was rediagnosed with my eating disorder last time I was in lockdown and started treatment. Those first two weeks where my parents made me eat were hell. I cried all the time. We yelled and fought constantly and I was so anxious. And the weight gain!! I can't fucking handle it! I'm already fat enough as it is, I can't gain! Not being in lockdown has given me an oppurtunity to restrict and continue my ed behaviours. I know that's wrong, but I can't recover. I just can't fucking do it. But I can't get away with restricting anymore and I have to eat a very small amount of calories to lose weight, so the slightest increase will make me gain. I'll be so anxious and miserable and my parents and I will fight constantly. It will be terrible.
The issue is mainly the inevitable weight gain. I've worked so hard to lose weight, eating 200 calories a day for a month just to maintain my weight (I was stuck in a weight loss plateau and it was the only thing I could do not to gain weight. For perspective that's 8 crackers a day.) It's taken me so long to lose weight and I've still got so much more to lose. This disorder is killing me and I can't help it. I know I'm not being rational but I'm sick. I'm sorry.
The eating disorder isn't the only problem, though it is the biggest one. I actually have more than 3 friends now. I have a great group of friends who I love talking to and hanging out with. It's been helping my depression so much and now I won't be able to see them. I'm going to miss them so much in lockdown.
My depression is going to get worse. My ed will be off the scale. Heh. I've already relapsed with self harm. I feel like I'm hurtling back into a crisis state and I don't want to end up overdosing again. And academic wise... if lockdown happens I won't be able to do mock exams. If anything goes wrong with the real exams, with lockdown or a mental health crisis, I won't be able to get a derived grade, and I need those exams to pass the year/graduate. I haven't put this much work into school to not graduate bc of covid. My trip to Wellington to check out the uni halls has been canceled. If we keep going like this, in and out of waves of covid, I might not be able to go to uni. And I can't live at home with my parents any longer.
I'm sorry for the vent, I just feel so defeated. I was actually starting to get better, but the universe said no. I don't know what to do. Here's hoping the lockdown is short. I can't survive two months like last time, I'll lose it and end up in hospital or dead. I don't want to scare anyone but that's the the situation I'm in. I'm sorry if thos sounds insensitive to those of you who have been in lockdown for longer, or who are stuck with abusive families or anything. I know y'all are in a worse boat than me, and I'm sending you love and support ❤
