Tw// suicide, overdose, eating disorders, hospitals, vomit, general mental illness stuff
Oh man I don't really know how to write this. Last mental health update I complained about my eating disorder. Things have escalated. Not eating wise but everything else.
So I've been sad for like five/six years straight. No external reason. And it's just gotten so much worse this year. If I had to label it, I'd say I've been dealing with dysthymia/persistent depressive disorder turned major depression. So basically,, me big sad.
This took a turn a few weeks ago when I really couldn't take it anymore and started semi-planning a suicide. I made myself wait til after my birthday, and then after that (last week) I overdosed on paracetamol. I couldn't take as much as I wanted to because I'm awful at taking pills. I actually barely took any but I'm 4'9. I'm baby. I planned to wait until the pain got too bad (I was thinkin maybe 10 hours or so) and then going to the hospital so that they could hopefully do something to relieve the pain of liver failure but wouldn't be able to fix me. But that's obviously unrealistic and I overestimated my pain tolerance and my courage. I was desperate. About five hours after I took it, I panicked about the pain (not the dying) and told my mum. We went to the hospital and they put me on an EKG to monitor my heart and took some blood tests. They concluded that I'd be alright and I didn't need treatment and could go home.
I talked to a crisis team and then went home. After puking about eight times me and my dad went back to the hospital the next day. They put my on a drip and gave me some anti-nausea stuff and checked my blood in case my toxicity level had risen. Turns out they originally miscalculated and measured me at four hours after ingestion when it should've been six, which meant I should've been given the treatment. But my liver handled it.
I've been working with camhs since, but it hasn't been perfect. They basically told me "yeah you have an eating disorder and it causes you a lot of pain and stress but because you haven't had significant weight loss, we're not gonna do shit about it." But other than that, everything's been okay with them. They'll be working with me about my "low mood" (why do camhs workers refuse to say depression? I thought it was a just David Thing and then found a meme about it) and suicidal ideation, anxiety and the likes.
My school's been helpful. My dean is handling my attendance so that I can go to appointments or go home if I need to, and today my other dean and one of the guidance counselors sat down with me and talked about exams and stuff. I have mock exams tomorrow but I don't have to do them anymore, but will still to take the actual end of year exams - I've already passed the year so it's not necessary but I want an excellence endorsement.
So. That's been the latest drama. I'm going to try and get better. I can't make any promises - suicidal thoughts are overwhelming at the moment - but I'm trying.
Hopefully me laying out my soul for you guys has made up for all the radio silence this year. I'll write when I can, writing is helpful, but it's taking me a while.
Hope all of you have been doing well. I'll try to reply to as many comments as I can but it takes a lot of my energy, so if I don't reply, don't worry, I really appreciate anything you've said.
