Bi-stressed

CHAPTER 52

"I'm done with you!" saying this, Zac leaves.

Tears leave my eyes as soon as he says that and my body turns numb. It's finished, I tell myself. I take a deep breath and then suddenly begin to throw around everything in my room. I kick my leg in the air in temper and bash my phone on the wall. "Fuck you'll for fucking me up! Ahh!" I scream and pull down all the frames, knock down my studying table and fling the chair. Just then, my mom and Zac enter in and try to calm my hyped behavior. I push Zac with all my strength and topple my whole set of drawers. He catches me from the waist and lifts me off the floor while I keep kicking my legs in the air, struggling to get out of his grip. After a few minutes, when I calm down a bit, my mom gets me a glass of water filled to the brim with my tablets. She gives me my medicine and I burst into tears while looking at the state I made of my room.

"I didn't do all of this." I stammer with fear.

"Oh no, honey." My mom wraps her arms around me and consoles me.

"I'm sorry." I sob.  Oh God, what did I do!

Zac isn't facing me, his back is turned towards me. I tap his right shoulder and he shakes off my hand immediately. He then then turns and excuses himself to have a talk with me alone. When my mom leaves, I feel him staring at me with annoyance filled. But instead, he holds my face in his palms. He stares at me in the eye then says.

"I'm sorry for being so harsh with you. I guess I just overreacted and got you all mad knowing what condition you are in right now."

"I'm the one who's supposed to apologise actually. Being aware of everything, I still crossed my limits. Forgive me, please."

Luna, I got to do this.

I pick up my broken phone and try to fix it. Some how the phone works and Luna's and my hugging picture pops up on the cracked screen. I delete all our pictures, block her on Instagram, text her on WhatsApp saying, "I have nothing to do with you
from now on. Please never message me again." Just as I press un send, the two blue ticks appear. I wait for the typing but no reply. With the swelling rising in my throat, I finally delete her contact.  Forgive me, Luna.

I take a deep breath and look towards Zac, already staring at me. I force a smile and whisper, "I love you."

I'm such a cruel person. I let her in on my own will and shut her out because of him. I'm toxic for her. This is becoming a cycle which I have to stop. I need to stop giving in to her everytime and even if I do, I need to stop pushing her away after, just because of him. This is bad for her and him as well. When I know Luna's and my friendship will effect Zac and my relationship, why do I even do this. To her and him. I wish I had pushed her away then, she would be hurt but not as much as she's right now. I promise Zac and then break it. I need to control myself, my emotions, twisted feelings, mixed thoughts and confusing behavior. This cycle has to stop.

The medicine makes me feel drowsy and I soon fall asleep. When I awake in the morning I find everything back in it's place and Zac asleep besides me, holding a frame in his hands. I pull the frame out of his hands slowly and when I go to see it, it's a collage of Luna's and my pictures. I notice that there's not a single crack on the frame while the others glad broke into bits. I rub my hand over the frame and go deep into the collage, memorizing every picture in detail. These pictures were taken during the summer, two years back when we two went to stay at her grandma's in Kashmir. Every picture held a beautiful memory. I wish these times could come back.

Just then, Zac awakes and sees me with the frame. I put down the frame and wish him a good morning. I ask him who had cleant my room and it was him who stayed up all night, settling everything while I slept. He tells me how exhausted he was that he took permission from my mom and slept out here. After breakfast, he gives me my medicine and heads home since he's been out all night, his dad and sister must be worried.

After he leaves, I lay in bed thinking about everything that happened over these passed few months, to me, between Luna and me, Zac and me, between my friends, family, about my hallucinations. I wish I could just fly away from the situation I'm in right now. All this is too much going on. I need a break. I need a break from life. I need a break from literally everything.

*Phone beeps*

*"There's a new fan account made and it's posting pictures of you and Luna. Go on and check fast!"* Celine messages.

I go on Instagram and search up the account.

*Phone rings*

"Yeah Lyra?"

"This is insane! Did you see...?"

"Hold on, let me put it on speaker. Yes I'm seeing it right now."

"Like what the fuck Lexi?"

"Lyra, believe me. It's not what it looks like!"

"Yeah sure."

"I swear! It's definitely photoshopped."

"Definitely!"

"Report the account right now! I'm doing the same."

I grasp all my hair tightly and hit my head on the wall behind.
After a few seconds, something pops up in my head.

Yes, I need a break from social media! That's where it all starts and drives a person to kill themself eventually. Social media is getting us people nowhere anyways. It's all crap.

I close down my Facebook and Instagram accounts. I uninstall all the apps in my phone except for WhatsApp. I don't want any contact with the world anymore. I don't want to know what people are doing and neither do I want o let them know what I'm doing and going through.

*"You closed down all your accounts? Why?"* Zac messages

*"Yes I did. I just don't feel like interacting with this fake and cruel world anymore. I want to focus on us and my studies."

"Okay. That's good! Your number 1 priority at the moment is your board examinations. Focus on that. I wish you all the best love."

I talk to Zac until I fall asleep.

The whole of next day is spent in studying. Zac comes over to meet me and we go for a walk down the lane. We stop at a cafe round the corner and Zac orders a cup of tea for me and a cup of coffee for himself and two lava cupcakes for us. A perfect snack for the weather in this warm, dimly lit cafe. We talk and talk. About sharing our future life together and how it would be few years from now. Wishing we could jump to there without having to go through all these years of waiting. We talk about improving our relationship and building a strong bond.

Thereafter, we drop by at aunt Steph's place. We play with baby Bethany and stay for dinner. I try avoiding to make an eye contact with Halsey. She definitely knows what happened last night. Either mom or Zac must have told her. I'm not really in a mood to talk about it. I just want to let go of it, of everything. Start fresh. No social media, no communications, no stress. No Luna, no hallucinations.
Focus on my studies and on building a healthy relationship with Zac. Gotta forget about Luna for real this time. This is what I say but then end up going back to her. But not this time. This cycle has to end here, right now!

Lent starts tomorrow! Gotta confess, gotta talk to God. He's the only friend I have now. He's the only one I can trust. He's the only one who'll listen to me and never get tired. Even Zac, Lyra and Shawn might get tired of me ranting but I know God won't. Going to keep God first and build a stronger bond with Him.
I pray to Him to heal me. Heal my mind, heart and soul.