Bi-stressed

CHAPTER 63

"I love you, I always have."

His words play over and over again. He couldn't be referring to me. The guy who didn't give a fuck about me or anyone is now soothing some pain by drinking and doing drugs. I can't believe. I can't understand any of this.

His need to protect me from Zac, his concern, the kiss, his confession, him staying out for more than twenty four hours, the drinking and drugs. Nothing makes sense. I can't anticipate. It's unlike Hardin.

The guy who's so focused into his career, not giving a shit about girls is now staying out of the house and getting intoxicated. Weird. Not forgetting his confession.

All of this just can't stop playing in my mind.

I enter in the house from my back door and straight into my room. I hear voices of my mom and her husband in the living room and I'm glad I didn't enter from the front door or I would end up having another fight with her after an already tiring evening. I change into my night suit, use wipes, clearing my face off of the dirt and head to bed without being bothered to check my phone.

Zac with that mysterious girl, my mom and her husband, Luna, Hardin and his confession and now Aunt Steph and her mocking attitude. Everything is so stressing out. What to make of this space when I'm left with no explanable conclusion but to sort out the pieces of a puzzled life. My life. Once I'm given the help I need to sort out those pieces, maybe then only I'll be able to put them together.

I find myself doing the one thing I promised myself not to. I impatiently bang at Zac's room door but he doesn't respond. I can hear the sqeaking of the bed and soft moans. I bang louder and this time Zac answers.

"Can you not disturb!" He yells, breathlessly.

"It's me, Lexi."

"Can you like hold on. Stop fucking banging!"

After about ten minutes he unlocks the door, I push open to go in, just to find that pretty brunnette lying on his bed,  rolled up in the sheet covers. He stands panting, chest rising up and down only in boxers and nothing else. My eyes fall to the ground where her clothes and a lacy lingerie set lay which means she's completely naked under those sheets.

"What the fuck?" My eyes go wide at the surrounding.

"What the fuck!?" I hypnic jerk and find myself drenched up in sweat. My heart thumping within my rib cage.

I lay back down, panting. The dream flashes infront of me a multiple times and it feels like my brain is going to expload. The pressure is building up internally and suddenly I have a severe headache. My vision goes cloudy and I don't know what's happening to me. My head is pushed back with force to the headboard and nails are being drilled into my head.

I scream and yell but no voice is let out. I struggle out of the grip but more force is applied, my head nailed to the headboard. I scream louder but hear nothing. I can feel my mouth move but I can not hear my own voice. What is happening? I'm struggling but my body shows no movement. I screaming, yelling, hitting, banging but nothing is happening.

"Lexi! Alexia!" My mom pats my face, looking right into my eyes.
I'm now in her lap and she stares at me with the most horrified expression on her face.

"Are you fucking fine?" My mom shouts.

I can't speak, my tongue is unable to move. I nod but I feel no movement. I can't move or speak. I soon realize I can't blink as well.

"Blink damnit! What is happening? Say something?" My mom continues, pating my face for me to respond in anyway. I can see her palms hitting my face but I feel nothing. I don't even hear my own breathing or my heart pumping anymore.

Am I dead?

"No." The word leaves my mouth and I don't know if it was actually audible to my mom.

Answering my thought she asks, "yes baby?"

"I'm not dead."

I'm in church now. The church looks different, even though I was in here a few hours ago for mass. The lights are dim and it's silent, not a person in church u til I hear bitter sobs. It's Luna. She's weeping bitterly now. I want to comfort her but I can't seem to go to her. There's some force pulling me back to do so. There's a bunch of lilacs set on the altar with two candles on either side. I see a bed of black roses round an empty coffin laying before her. Seems like there's a funeral but where's the body? That's when the church bells ring and a bride and groom enter in. Isn't there a funeral? How can there be a wedding along with a funeral?! The bride's gown is bloodied and she has the same bouquet of lilacs in her left hand which have splashes of blood on it. Those flowers are my favorite. Her right hand is dragging something. A dead body!? She and the groom drag the body down the aisle. The bride and groom are no one else but Gwyneth and Zac. The dead body is no one else's but mine.

I jump up to find myself alive and in my mother's lap.

"Lexi are you fine?" She asks is a low voice.

"I don't know. I don't understand what's happening mom." I sob into her lap.

"Was it a bad dream? You were hallucinating before you fell asleep. It's this worse, I didn't know."

"No, it was real! It wasn't any hallucination, mom."

"It wasn't real, honey. It was just a hallucination. Have you been taking your pills?"

"The course is over. I didn't have those hallucinations anymore so I didn't feel the need to take those pills."

"We'll have to see a doctor."

"You think I'm mentally ill?" I ask.

"I don't know, but it was bad right?"

"Yeah, it all felt so real."

"I called Zac."

"Why!?"

"Because you needed him. He didn't answer though."

I want to tell her that I don't need him but I don't want her or anyone to know what's going on between us. I do need him but he's the reason I saw all that.

"You scared me, you know. You were still, not responding at all." She says in a worried tone.

"You need sleep." She adds.

If I sleep, I'll see another dream. If I stay awake I'll hallucinate. What am I supposed to do? Keep myself busy. That's what I'm going to do. Keep my mind occupied. I tell my mom to go sleep, she's already stayed up seeing me in that state, worse was what I saw and felt. She tells me she's laying on the couch in the living room outside if I needed anything to call out to her. I take out my dairy and read the lyrics written in it, by me.

"Cry it out or write it down. You'll feel much better." I memorize Lyra's words. Maybe song writing will help.

It's now 6 am and I'm still not able to make the right chorus. The melody I chose for it sounds perfect but the chorus is not fitting right. Soon I fall asleep.

"I love you, I always have."

"No, no, no. You can't!" When my eyes open there's a familiar face staring at me, bewildered and concern clear on her face.

"Are you okay?" Her eyes are teary and she throws her arms around me, comforting me while my head is burried against her chest, slight sobs being heard from my mouth.

(The writing in italics mean it's a flashback or what has happened in the past, so don't get confused.)