Bi-stressed

CHAPTER 59

"No, I- uhm.." I stammer trying to find the right words and bend down to pick up the phone whose already cracked screen is lit up with Lucas' name. I hear Lucas' voice coming from the phone but hang up without saying anything. His face is full of sleep yet here he is glaring at me. The look his eyes give, pierces every part of my body. I can feel the anger seeping through him and I know what's going to happen next.

"I heard you talk. Was that lucas!?" He says with his voice, calm unlike what I expected. I expected him to yell at me for talking to Lucas this late and querying about him.

"Yes. He told me everything." I answer honestly.

"I'm sorry. I really am, Alexia."

"I honestly don't know how to feel about all this. I can't believe.."

"You know I wouldn't let him do anything with you. Please trust in me. Nothing's gonna happen."

"You put me at risk for a damn bike race!" It's the opposite of what I expected. I'm the one wound up and yelling at him. The thought of him racing again and vaping marijuana makes me feel queasy.

"I had my first race when I was just 12. I was mixed up with the wrong guys and did fucked up things. I smoked, drank, played with many girls' feelings. I was never in a serious relationship until you. When I laid my eyes on you the every first time, at that bonfire, I could see the pain in your eyes when they met mine. I quickly looked away and told myself not to get close to you. I was fucked up and I knew I would do shit to you which hurt. But when Hardin spilled beer on your top and used harsh words at you, I couldn't help but think of ways to kill him. When we started speaking and you told me what all he said and did which hurt you, I had to get you away from him. The more we saw each other, the more I found myself growing towards you. You told me to stick to you so you could make Hardin jealous but all while I stuck to you because I wanted to. You were different and I couldn't even think about hurting you the way he did. I tried fucking hard to change my fucked up shit. The first, I gave up was racing because before I had no one to know my existence. I lived or died, no one cared. But then you came and showed me how to live. I drank and smoked just because it was fun and it felt good to drown away all my sorrows. My mom passed away when I was only two. I never knew how to love a woman and that's the reason I played with girl's feelings until you. You taught me love. You changed me completely. I never worried about losing anyone before until you. You Alexia is all I have to lose and love. You're the first girl I have actually loved and will always love." These were Zac's words.

There has to be a reason for him to do these things again.

"You started racing again! Drinking! Vaping marijuana!?"

"Alexia, you don't know anything to why I did these."

"Then make it known to me! Why did you? Tell me." I begin to shout but lower my voice before I can wake my mom and create a scene.

"I can't. I just can't."

"How can we continue this relationship if you're gonna keep things from me?"

"You've kept things from me too."
He says, his eyes hold slight pain in them.

What? Does he know about Hardin and me?

"I haven't." I lie. I feel terrible. I have never kept anything from him. I've told him everything between Luna and me too. Should I tell him about the kiss? I can't. He despises him so much. He'll murder him if he comes to know and it'll be 'the end' of us.

I'm shit for doing this to him.
Yes he's misunderstood, controlling, challenging, dominating, demanding, possessive, jealous and stuff but that doesn't compare to shit I did to him. I let my feelings develop for my best friend and instead of staying away from her even after being warned by Zac several times, I still gave into her. I kissed her again while being with Zac. Even though I confessed it to him, that doesn't change the way he must have felt. How would I feel if he had done the same thing. Hurt, terribly hurt. I kissed Hardin tonight just cause I wanted to feel his lips on mine. Which is a completely fucked up thing to do.