Force Destiny

Kylo's Vision

Kylo tentatively closed his eyes, his gloved fingertips pressed gently onto the cold surface of the controls in the interior of his command shuttle. Blue quietly busied himself with exploring the hidden secrets of the ship's computer. They had made the jump to lightspeed to enter hyperspace, and though Kylo wasn't irresponsible enough to sleep between jump points, he could at least rest. He desperately sought the peace of meditation.

Eyes closed, he pushed deeper into the Force. The first level was senses and perception, the second was emotions – which were thankfully limited on a ship with only a droid in the vastness of space – the third was the visible energy that made up the galaxy around him, and the fourth was the whispers of the Cosmic Force. The fifth was rumored to be the Cosmic Force itself. Luke had said the fourth level was the closest one could come to the fifth. It was where one could purportedly commune with Force ghosts.

It had been years since Kylo had allowed himself to fall into the fourth level of meditation. Snoke... Sidious had forbidden it, and Luke had been overly interested and critical of what he had perceived. Without the guiding, controlling, voices of Luke or Sidious in his head, he allowed himself to sink deeper into the Force. Rey may have believed meditation was antithetical to the war within him, but if he could spend his entire life in meditation, he would. It was a way to ascend beyond the conflict of his mind. It was the closest he had ever come to peace.

Distantly, he heard Blue express his displeasure at being levitated off the floor. Kylo felt himself lose contact with the seat as he sank deeper into the Force. Sound disappeared, then his physical connection to the ship, followed by the chaotic thoughts that crashed through his mind, and, finally, his emotions. It would take several minutes to quiet his thoughts, but he knew it was within his grasp. It felt slightly unnerving, but he craved the peace it promised.

There were no voices there, except his own. He routinely used meditation as an escape from the voices in his head, though it was different now that a certain voice was missing permanently.

At first, the silence was the most peaceful sound he had ever heard. He knew the choices he made were the ones he desired; he was free. But now the silence was lonely and terrifying and... dementing. Kylo was accustomed to loneliness. His entire life consisted of trading one loneliness for another, but from his first memory as a toddler, there were the whispering voices in his head. For as long as he could remember, it was all he had ever known. When the voices disappeared, it was as if he lost a part of himself, as if he had become numb to one of his senses.

Even when he sought the foolish comfort of a voice, there was only silence... and that was a new, more profound type of loneliness. It was the worst loneliness he had ever known. He hated Sidious and himself for allowing the creature to control him for so long. The scars buried underneath his skin from Sidious's "training" were nothing compared to the damage he had done psychologically. There were parts of him that understood that he would never be free of the aftermath of Sidious's pervasive destruction of his mind.

As detrimental as Sidious had been, however, it was all he had ever known. Without him, Kylo had no one to defer to for guidance, no one to keep him focused on his path, no one to give him purpose. It was sickening to realize; he didn't know what to do without him. Even when the voices whispered how worthless he was, the anger...the fear...the hatred was something to hold on to. The only voice in his head now was his own, and that was more tormenting than Sidious could ever be.

Then again, Kylo wondered if his own thoughts were truly his own. He was accustomed to Sidious's voice in his head, so much so that he didn't know which thoughts were his own, and which were just echoes of his former master's words. Sidious's whispers were lies and manipulations to use him for his power. Deep down he knew that, but he didn't know who he was without it. Sidious had convinced him that his thoughts were Kylo's own thoughts, much as he persuaded weaker-minded individuals that his "suggestions" were their own desires. He was weakness, properly manipulated into a sharp tool. He was the rabid cur.