Force Destiny

Focus

"If you walk away, I hope you remember what I did to you the last time we were enemies!"

As Kylo bent to collect the book that had slid between his boots, he was reminded of a memory from a lifetime ago; a pair of golden dice sliding between his retreating father's boots.

If you leave, you're dead to me! He had screamed.

Kylo glanced back at Rey, remorse shattering his resolve. I'm no better than him... He turned with the fear that history was repeating itself, fearing the heartbreak he would see in her eyes that mirrored the heartbreak that was tearing his chest apart. But there was no heartbreak in her eyes, only darkness. She hates me. The realization cut him deeper than he thought possible, but it steeled his resolve. He convinced himself it was for the best. So he shut his eyes and forced himself to move forward. He left her behind.

I believed you wouldn't abandon me as they did. I am a fool. You're no different, are you?

Her words echoed relentlessly in his mind as he remembered his own furious shouts toward the man that abandoned him.

Turn around! At least look me in the eyes when you admit that all I am is a burden to you. You don't want me! You are abandoning me with someone I barely know!

Before he considered the consequences, he was pivoting, his arm crossing his body as he propelled the book he had given her – the book she had carelessly discarded as he had done to her – into the nearest wall. The pages fell apart around him as he leaned his forehead against the cool durasteel, his dark bangs falling over his eyes. What have I done?

She has the Resistance. She will be fine. He imagined it; she would concentrate her efforts on training, on becoming the fierce warrior they both knew she could be. One day, she'd meet him on a skywalk, or a cliff, or a barren desert. She would kill him as he had killed his father. She would have her family, she would find someone she didn't hate, and she would be happy. He was doing her a favor. He was doing himself a favor.

She is systematically destroying me piece by piece, and I let her do it. I've tried everything to have her accept me for who I am. The only thing left is to shut her out and be the enemy she needs me to be. It's for the best. He could do this. It was nothing he couldn't survive. The churning in his stomach and tightness in his chest were all too familiar. He'd had enough practice; he could do this. The ache was just loneliness. He knew loneliness. He could survive loneliness.

This pain. This was why he never allowed anyone close. This was why it was easier to be alone. As he pressed himself off the wall, he had half a mind to leave the destruction in his wake. He didn't much care for possessions. But that book symbolized the only good thing he'd had in his life. He couldn't bear to lose both the last and only reminder of her and his reason for letting her go. Collapsing to the floor in an action that was not becoming of the Supreme Leader, he hastily collected all the detached pages.

By the time he was done, his resolution and anger had ebbed. He walked in a daze, focusing on each step forward, refusing to allow his mind to contemplate the truth of what he had done. The corridors blended together, the lights blurring into a numbing haze, and the sound of his boots echoing off the wall consumed his senses. He followed his feet absently until they led him to his chamber door. It opened for him, and as he walked through, he didn't focus on how empty it felt.