Force Destiny

Forget

"Rey?" Rose called through the blastdoor. "Please."

Rey's heart was a black hole, sucking all her emotions into it until she felt numb. Dead. At first, the alcohol had numbed her pain. It was the only way she could find minimal amounts of sleep beyond the tormenting thoughts that plagued her. She drank until she didn't feel anything anymore. It was the only way to keep the old thoughts from Jakku from returning—the thoughts of inadequacy, of course, not denial. She should have thanked him; his letter left no room for denial. He left her because he wanted to. The alcohol numbed the wound he left behind until she felt nothing. Inevitably, there came a time when that wasn't enough. After the reality of him being gone for good set in, all she felt was numb. Empty. Then the alcohol was the only thing that made her feel alive.

"I told you to go away!" Rey wasn't certain they heard her. She had meant to shout it, but it came out as a intoxicated mumble.

"Rey open up!" Finn yelled from the other side. Rey groaned, realizing her friends had changed tactics, and both came to disturb her. Their presence was only another reminder that Kylo had left her. That was why they were there—poor little scavenger Rey had her heart broken by a family who feared her and a man who didn't care about her. What they didn't understand was, she wasn't sad. She didn't care. She felt nothing.

She picked up the bottle and swallowed the now-familiar liquid, waiting for the burn that would make her feel something. The darkness seeped through in her inebriated state, numbing everything else but the fire in her blood. The anger. Distantly, she knew Ben wanted her to fight the darkness. She didn't care what he wanted anymore. Whether or not he was Ben, he had still left her, like everyone eventually did. Her friends would leave her one day, too.

Rey wished they would just do it already. She didn't need anyone but herself and the bottle of fire-water. Like the darkness, it felt good. It made her stronger. It brought her to a place where she could drift in its caress, pretending her life wasn't in shambles. The darkness told her truths in the silence. It helped her see why she needed to keep her friends away, but they were irritatingly persistent.

"Rey!" Finn shouted again. He sounded both angry and scared. She wasn't in any danger. In fact, she felt better than she had in ages. She would be even better if they left her alone.

Force, you're over-dramatic. You should try some fire-water.

She finished the bottle after saluting the door with a toast. As the room spun around her, she allowed herself to fall back onto the cot. "I want to be alone!"

"It's been a week, and no one has seen you leave your room!" Finn's muffled voice replied. His tone was less angry this time, just exhausted. His words seemed to pull her from the darkness for a moment. Had it truly been a week? She nearly took pity on him and opened the door. She could almost imagine him leaning against his forearm as he pleaded with her through the wall between them. But couldn't he see? She was fine. If he cared about her, he should understand that this was what she wanted.

It was better this way.

"I don't care!" she slurred in her heavy inebriation.

There was a loud banging sound against the door, and Rey assumed Finn had hit or kicked it in frustration. He had done that during his last two attempts, too. She heard his muted curses through the door. It was Rose's calm voice that next floated through the door. "We're not going away!"

"Well, I'm not opening the door!" she shouted back. The bottle slipped from her hands and crashed to the floor as she gestured wildly. She giggled as it shattered, the sound echoing through the room loudly. There was no doubt in her mind that her friends heard it. She curled to her side and closed her eyes, shutting out the world.