Force Destiny

Kylo's Reaction

Kylo sat on the edge of his bed, his head resting in his shackled hands, for the remainder of the night. He knew sleep would not come easily; he was lost to his own tormenting thoughts. He knew the nightmares would come, like every other night, but after Rey contemplated killing him, too, he knew the nightmares would be much worse.

It hadn't been in combat, or during one of their explosive confrontations. He wasn't threatening her friends' lives, or hers. He had walked away. She had found him in the quiet of the night as he lay unconscious, just as his uncle had done. He knew why; the hatred in her eyes was evident from the moment he had taken the blame for killing her parents, but he couldn't tell her the truth. If that was what she chose to believe, then that was better than the alternative.

After his meltdown in the receiving hall, then Rey's subsequent decision to render him unconscious, he had been locked in his chambers with armed guards posted outside. But when he sensed the guards retreating, he realized it was more of a "sleep it off" situation rather than actual imprisonment.

When it was officially more "early," than "late," he easily discarded the shackles with the Force and decided to weapons train. An abysmal amount of his time was spent in isolation on this ship, but training was a different type of isolation. This was an isolation from his own mind.

His plan was to spend the entire day cycle and subsequent night cycle weapons training, or until he passed out from exhaustion – he had no preference. His sole focus was to suppress the previous night's events that replayed in his mind with a nauseating relentlessness.

Kylo remembered feeling her presence next to him as he slept. When she did see him, she tried to get as far away from him as possible. His presence had repulsed her. He pretended to sleep, to avoid another confrontation. If she asked him about her parents' death, he would be forced to tell her the truth; he couldn't do that. He thought if he just ignored her, eventually they would fade away to their divergent lives on opposing sides of the galaxy again.

But she had approached him, and for some ill-conceived reason, he had just waited, curious – and naïvely hopeful – of what she would do. He could sense her through the Force, could see her staring down at him. Her hand had hovered over his face, presumably to touch him, but then she withdrew it as though he were some terrifying creature. He sensed that frighteningly familiar, oppressive darkness when it overwhelmed her.

Part of him had known what she came for, but he had refused to believe she would do that after what she knew. Holding his breath, he awaited her judgment. A sickening ache settled in his stomach as she called his lightsaber, an ache that had not dissipated since.

The sight of her, plasma blade held to his throat, as she contemplated severing his mortal coil was nearly identical to... that night. The only difference was, he had known Luke would do it. There was something in her eyes. Weakness. Even in her darkness, he knew she didn't have it in her. He had impulsively reacted to her weakness, possibly to teach her to a lesson – or possibly he had reached his own moment of weakness. He should have expected it, every time they had met in person, she had tried to kill him. Why should their bond be any different?

When he had grasped the weapon to wrench her closer to him, to frighten her, something... happened. He could sense her rifling through his memories like she was studying a holobook. He had built up a fortress against her, but she was able to slide in as if she had the passcode. She saw everything. She felt everything. He was powerless to stop her. It left him so...vulnerable, and Kylo hated vulnerable. But he didn't hate her. Even after she had attempted to kill him. Even though she had been the first person that he had confessed to about what had happened that fateful night at Luke's temple, and she had used it against him.

When she was on Ahch-To, he convinced himself that telling her was a warning of what Luke would do when he inevitably sensed her power. But there was a part of him that wanted to share everything with her, for her to see who he truly was. When he thought back to their bond connections, it was a moment he thought he had felt something change in her. She knew how he had awoken to Luke's weapon prepared to strike. A moment that had subjected him to paralyzing nightmares ever since. It had seemed that she believed him, that she cared what his uncle had done to him. But then she betrayed him in the exact same way.

Rey was the person he would do anything for, including subjecting himself to a lifetime of suffering without her to keep her safe. He had tried to end the bond that tormented her, yet she desired to kill him. He should hate her, as he hated them, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Luke hadn't given his own nephew a chance. This was different. He was her enemy; he let her believe he killed her parents.

He deserved her hatred.

Kylo had no desire to destroy everything that was tearing her away from him as he had after her betrayal in the throne room. No, this time was different. If she wanted to kill him, then he would let her; because she was all he had left. The hate that had driven him no longer mattered, because – for the first time in his entire life – his compassion and loyalty to someone was stronger than the hate he had carried for everyone else. No, he didn't hate her, but nothing had ever wounded him as deeply as she had in that moment.

Killing him would have been merciful.