Force Destiny

Ilum

The Millennium Falcon touched down on the vast, white surface of Ilum. Snow and crystalline formations encompassed the landscape as far as the eye could see, which, at the time, wasn't very far. They had landed in the center of a howling blizzard, the flurry obscuring visibility more than ten to fifteen yards in any direction. When they had prepared for landing, Rey briefly noticed a large crystalline crevasse through the clouds. It was carved into the base of a fog-enveloped slope. She felt drawn to it.

That's where I'll find it.

The trio bundled up in cold weather jackets and attire. Poe had asked them to be in constant contact over the comlink, so Chewbacca was left behind on the Falcon. Rey stared out into the blizzard. After shutting out the bond, she had spent the rest of the journey to Ilum crying in her bunk. Their last confrontation had been more painful than she could imagine. She had been trying to protect him from herself, but she knew she had hurt him anyway. The look in his eyes before she walked away... it haunted her. The only way she had found the courage to do it was remembering the other image that haunted her – the sight of his lifeless body in the illusion. It was tearing her apart to shut him out, but at least he was alive. Now, as Rey breathed in the biting air from Ilum, she tried her best to focus on the step ahead. The Force was strong here. It called to her. The energy inside her swarmed with purpose.

They trudged across the snow in silence, snowflakes whirling around them, the wind whipping at their coats. It reminded her of her first fight with Kylo on Starkiller. She was better equipped for the weather this time, but this cold penetrated her bones. The other glaring difference was the absence of the man who—over the past several weeks—had become her bondmate, her confidante, the most frustrating man in the galaxy, but also the man she had grown to love. Rey tried to focus on her mission, but the weight of what she had done consumed her thoughts.

She should have told him she loved him before she shut him out. She remembered what it felt like when Kylo had been the one to walk away. The only difference was that she had deserved it, Kylo didn't. He had kept secrets from her, but she had kept the greatest one of all. What had he done when he discovered the truth about Sidious? He helped her. No matter what he did, he was always there for her in his way. As long as he remained with the First Order, he was implicitly against everything she stood for, but it didn't feel like she had to fight for him anymore. He was doing that on his own. Rose, whose entire family had been murdered by the First Order, saw something in him. She believed in him, trusted him enough to share their location. Blue had seen him spare those prisoners. Leia believed in him. Rey had felt his light. This went beyond what she believed she saw in him, he was changing. He didn't need her or the bond to do the right thing.

That was probably for the best. The darkness in her had systematically destroyed everything good in her life. It had killed her parents, left her on a desert world, pushed her friends away and threatened the life of the man she loved. What would it do now? Was anyone safe around her? Rey focused more of her energy on blocking it out. It was difficult; her life felt like it was spiraling around her with the snow. She was plagued with conflict that left the darkness always hovering just within reach. But she couldn't contain her fear of the 'what ifs.' She feared what she could do to him. What if her darkness in the bond prevented him from saving himself? What if the darkness led to his death by her hand, as had happened in the illusion? What if she didn't shut him out, and he fell again? But even worse, what if she did shut him out and she lost him anyway? She promised he would never be alone again; could she break that promise for his safety? She didn't want him to stay with the First Order to protect her, so wasn't this his choice to make?

Did it matter anymore, or was her conflict all for naught? She had hurt him; she had seen it in his eyes. Perhaps he would want nothing to do with her again. Did he know she shut him out to protect him? Or did he think she hated him? Had he ever believed her that she loved him in the first place? Did he believe he was alone again? With what they were up against, he needed her more than ever. Was her fear for his life more important than helping him protect the entire galaxy? That more than anything solidified her decision that she would reopen the bond after Ilum. He needed her help with destroying Force Destiny. When Sidious was destroyed, she would apologize for everything she had done in fear. If he hated her, if he wanted to walk away, then she would let him.