Force Destiny

Gray Blanket

When the droids were gone, Rey collapsed under the weight of those memories, wiping her tears on the rough material of the cot underneath her cheek. She splayed her fingers in the fabric, desperately seeking a connection to the physical world around her before she drowned in her grief. As she stared at the lines etched in her fingers, she sucked in a deep breath and huffed it out again, almost as proof to herself that she hadn't died with him. She did it again and again, until all she was focusing on was her breathing. After several more breaths, she realized she had survived those moments without drowning in grief or slipping into darkness. A new hope radiated through the fog of despair, a means to gain control over the broken pieces of her life.

She decided to plan her next hour. Only sixty moments of breaths; it didn't feel as insurmountable as the rest of her life. It was a start—something possible. If she survived through those sixty minutes, then perhaps she could plan the hour after that. And the one after that. It was how she had survived before; she could do it again. The thousands of marks on her wall in the AT-AT were just as much a testament of what she had overcome, after all, as they were a countdown to a reunion.

She could plan each hour, until she made it through the first day. Then she could plan that day...and the next...and the next, until she made it through the first week...and then the first month...and then the first year...and the first decade. She would live each day the best she could, and it would be one day closer until she saw him again. Until one beautiful day, she would take her last breath, and they would be together. They would find each other in the Force—she had to believe that—but all those years and months and weeks and days started with the first hour.

She would wait for Finn to bring her new clothes, she decided. Next, she would get dressed, drink her tea with Rose, and go to the turret and look for a moon out the viewport. She would talk to Ben there, because she still had to say goodbye. That was where he was—out there; not what he left behind. Maybe he would be listening, and maybe he would see the moon, too, and she would feel just a little bit closer to him. After that, she would find one of the hundreds of things broken on that ship and fix it.

Then she would sleep, she decided. She would dream of that lake and find him there as he promised. For a few blessed hours, she could ease the ache in her heart, even if he wasn't truly there. This was what Rose had meant by moving forward. There would never be a moment where she moved on, leaving the grief of his loss behind, but that was okay. She would take him with her wherever she went. There was something peaceful in the Force when she came to the realization, like praise, as it guided her through her first steps.

It won't be easy. I feel like I'm dying without you. But I'll fight the darkness Ben, I promise. Because I love you and I forgave you, and maybe one day I can learn to forgive myself, too. It's not much, but it is all I have to hold onto. I want to do what Luke told me to do—I want to live for you.

There was a chuckle in the Force. Good for you, kid. He'd be proud of you. Rey scanned the room, searching for a blue aura, but the familiar vibration in the Force had already dissipated. Rey smiled her first real smile since she had left the escape shuttle. She closed her eyes and allowed that peace in the Force to soothe the ache in her heart. Unlike with the darkness, the ache was still there, but the light had given her the strength to weather it. She imagined Ben's arms around her, promising her with his touch that it would all be okay. A cool wind passed through the room, and, startled, her eyes fluttered open. A shiver trickled down her spine in the absence of the comforting arms she had imagined around her. She moved to the drawer to grab a blanket she had seen stashed there when Finn had cared for Rose after Crait.

Her eyes settled on the books she had hidden away there instead. Luke's texts. In all of the events in the past few hours, she had completely forgotten about them. She trailed her fingers lightly over the decaying spines of the texts and sensed an energy caressing her senses. Mystical whispers, impossible to decipher at first, suddenly enveloped her in the Force as they had on Takodana. She was drawn to one of the texts. Her fingers brushed over the plain cover, and she jolted as an energy began to flow through her. Voices echoed in her mind.