Ocean Eyes

1🌸

I felt the cold stone wall, the stones drilled into my back and I pressed myself more and more against it.

God help me... Wait, God left me alone all my life.

I looked up in the sky. Why would He not help me, leaving me alone in a sitition which hrmed me in any way possible. It didn't fit my situation, but the thoughts wouldn't go away.

Why me? Of all people? Why was I different? Why would I be punished like this for being me?

I looked my counterpart in the eyes and tried to push them away from me, but in vain, I had no chance. I tried to get away from them by shaking myself, my long white hair falling straggly in my face. I bit my lower lip and looked around anxiously.

Wasn't anyone going to help me?

Everyone was watching, no one made a single sound, everyone knew exactly what I was facing and no one wanted to stand by me.

"Which convent did you escape from?" said the girl with the fake eyelashes, glued-on nails and puffy breasts.

"Well then, let's unpack you a bit," said the boy next to her, and even though I wouldn't have done it anyway, he didn't give me time to answer her.

He was grinning ugly. In his look I immediately recognized what he wanted from me. He seemed to be undressing me with his looks, and yet he despised me to death, which made no sense in my opinion.

PATCH. I ran, knowing I would regret that I slaped his face. I heard a car brake together and honk as I ran across the street without looking. My pulse increased and my throat became drier. A twinge accompanied me all the way home. I stopped in front of the big old house, unlocked the door, and tried to sneak inside.

"Too late. No dinner for you, it won't work out with the tablet otherwise." my father said.

He held a pill pack out to me, I pushed it away from me, kept running, all the way up the stairs to my room.

"Looser!", echoed in my head. "Come let's play, doll!", they said with that grin I hated above all else. "Go bury yourself, no one will notice anyway because you're a nobody"

I slammed the door behind me, slumped down by the door crying, and stayed sitting on the freezing cold floor. After a while, I listened to the birds chirping encouragingly and happily. I got up and went to the window, leaned far out and looked out to sea. With a jerk, I swung myself up onto the window sill to think. Soon I was 16, but I no longer wanted to bother the earth with my existence. Dying by suicide, however, was not an option, that would drag my father into many unconvinient situations. I could make it look like an accident and die of poisoning....

And so I sat there and planned my death. My psyche would not take it anymore.... No.. It wouldn't. And neither would my body. Not for 5 years. Not 10 years. It was going to die in 15 years at the latest anyway, and I didn't want to live those 15 years. I didn't want to fall in love, I didn't want to graduate, I didn't want an education if I was going to lose everything anyway.

I closed my eyes, sobbing, and felt my stomach, the stomach that was all sunken in from medication and from vomiting, a side effect of my heart pills. I felt my chest, where you could count every single rib. I looked at my black cell phone screen and saw myself.

But who was I? All I saw were weak, ocean blue eyes and lips that hadn't smiled in a long time.

I put my phone away and crossed my arms, trying to hug myself, to give myself that warmth.
I imagined I was five years old. I came home from the playground and told my mother that I had climbed the tree all by myself. She took me in her arms and hugged me. And it was a wonderful warmth.... only I would never experience this warmth from myself, or from anyone else.