Whims of a Vixen

Chapter 19

I stared at the window as we get pass other cars. It looked chilly outside because of the blueish vibe the night gives off.  Lights from different establishments flicker against the glass protecting us from the harsh blows of wind.

"Don't you think it's too absurd that we've been staying like this for years now?" Xavier spoke in low tone.

Lumingon ako at nakitang tutok pa rin ang mga mata niya sa daan.

"What do you mean?"

"Wala tayong improvement." He didn't even bother glancing at me. "Paulit-ulit tayo. Hindi ka ba nagsasawa?"

"Ano bang pinagsasasabi mo?"

"This... itong set-up, Bridgette. Nagsasawa na ako sa ganito." He tilted his head, as if trying to predict if I would say something. Although I didn't talk back; he still remained silent.

I stared at him for awhile before I decided to speak.

"I've been actually thinking of cutting ties with you for months now." I was glad I didn't stutter while saying that. I can feel my heart protesting from what I'm going to say next but my mind's finally made up.

Xavier has helped me a lot. If it wasn't for him, I would prolly be nothing by now. Ayokong pahirapan pa siya kung hindi na siya masaya sa nakukuha niya mula sa akin. Ayokong itali siya sa responsibilidad na ipinilit ko lang sa kaniya noon.

Yes, he definitely did something wrong because he's got women aside from me pero masisisi ko ba siya? Hindi naman ako sobra para makuntento siya sa katulad ko. At hindi niya naman ako talagang gusto. Pinilit ko lang siyang pumayag dito para sa sarili kong kapakanan.

Kahit alam kong maghihirap ako, hindi ko pa rin piniling bumalik sa puder ng mga magulang ko. I wanted to prove them wrong. I wanted them to know that I am more than just a woman who should be sheltered. I am more. And I shouldn't only be given attention when they want me to be held accountable for my mistakes.

My rebellion led me to more serious problems. I had no one to run to. Kaya ginamit ko siya. Pinaniwala ko siyang may pananagutan siya akin dahil sa isang gabing pagkakamali na pareho naman naming kasalanan. At wala akong karapatan na pagdamutan siya ng kalayaan dahil doon. Kung ayaw na niya at hindi lang niya masabi dahil nag-aalala siya sa akin... ibibigay ko pa rin.

At saka... I will never be truly happy even if I choose to stay with him. He's a cheat. He play women and sex is his game. I will not be happy with someone who wants me to settle for that. Gusto ko, kung kami man, 'yung mahal niya ako.

Pero sa kaso namin, malabo iyon. Masasaktan lang akong lalo kapag pinagpatuloy namin ito. Dahil wala naman siyang nararamdaman sa akin, it will be easy for him to try other women without feeling guilt. And I will never be okay with that. Hindi ako martyr.

"Bored ka na? Ako rin kasi, eh," I lied. "Since I know now that you are not happy with this too, maybe it's about time that we part ways."

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit mukhang nagalit siya roon. His hawk-like eyes glanced at me with fury. Fire were dancing in the depths of those. He looks murderous all of a sudden.

"I am not talking about parting ways." His jaw tightened.

"Sawa ka na, 'di ba? I'm making this easier so you can get rid of me already for your girls."

"What fucking girls are you talking about​?" irita niyang balik.

"'Yung mga babae mo." I swallowed the bile forming on my throat. "You're doing this so you can dump of me because you've had enough. And I had enough of you, too. Tapos na akong gamitin ka."