Welcome to Serenity

I Can't Do This Anymore

This dream was different.

Normally my dreams take place in the middle of a field or in the car just before it crashes, but this time I'm in the middle of an endless and dark ocean, struggling to stay afloat.

I try to scream for help, but water rushes into my mouth. I choke and cough, while trying to keep my head above water.

Waves crash against my failing body, thrusting me further into the storm.

Rain buckets down onto the water as lightening electrifies the sky and thunder deafens the night.

The waves calm down and then the world is deadly silent, the water gently washes against my face, as I look up at the sky.

Stars shine brightly, like a million pieces of glitter.

I slowly start to sink, too tired to stay afloat. I give up and let my body sink down and down, the stars becoming harder and harder to reach, the world slowly going completely dark.

I'm awake.

I'm screaming.

I'm sweating.

Ty is holding me, ushering "you're okay" over and over, until he convinces himself of it.

I'm grasping onto his arm trying to stay afloat.

I'm alive. And I don't want to be.

Learning that you want to die isn't a sudden thing. It's not instant. Overtime you discover what those thoughts are truly telling you.

I can't do this anymore. No more pain, nightmares, paranoia, or broken hearts.

Ty pulls my body up to his chest and cradles me like a baby, my knees against my chest, as he hugs me, not knowing the pain I feel.

"You're okay. You're okay. You will be ok." He whispers, his chin on top of my head.

"I can't do this anymore." I breath, almost too quiet for him to hear.

"Yes you can. Please, for me. Keep trying." He pleads hugging me tighter.

We sit together, keeping each other afloat, and wiping each other's tears, not saying much, for what feels like a lifetime.

* * *

My head is pressed against his chest when he ask, "Do you think breakfast would make you feel better?"

"Sure." I lie, as he walks to the kitchen, and comes back a few minutes later with two plates of toast.

We sit on the couch facing each other, Ty waiting for me to eat my toast. I reluctantly have a few bites, so Ty focuses his attention back on the tv.

"I got to go to the bathroom!" I say quickly, jumping up and running upstairs.

I fall down next to the toilet, and then the vomiting starts. My stomach can't keep food down for long anymore. I feel Ty's hand holding my hair out of my face, and with his other hand he rubs my back.

After the inside of the toliet is splattered with my breakfast, I collapse against the wall next to me, my stomach now empty.

Ty hands me a face wipe to clean my face. "Thanks." I sigh, as I wipe off the vomit from my face, while Ty flushes the toilet.

"Come on. I think you might want a shower." He suggests, helping me stand up as we walk to my room to grab my clothes.

I rummage through my bag and find my yellow t-shirt and denim shorts. Ty grabs me a clean towel, and helps me turn the shower on.

"Okay. I'll just be in my room." Ty says, closing the bathroom door.

After a lengthy shower, my skin is all wrinkly, so I reluctantly turn the hot water off and dry myself.

I attempt to avoid looking at my reflection in the mirror, so I quickly get changed.

Ty and I spend the rest of the day relaxing in the couch watching tv, doing homework and studying. I get a horrible headache and myfstomach aches of hunger, but I ignore it.

After we have gotten ready for bed Ty walks me up stairs. "Goodnight." He says walking in the direction of his room.

"Ty?" I whisper.

"Yeah?" He turns, already half-asleep.

"Can... can I sleep in your room?" I say. As soon as I say this I realise it sounds dirty.

"I hate being alone at night. Nightmares." I explain.

"Sure."Ty smiles, taking my hand and walking me over to his room.

"This is it. My humble abode." He says, gesturing to his room.

His walls are a navy blue, almost black. His shelves are covered with photos and baseball trophies. His bed is in the center of his room, his desk tucked away in the corner, a layer of dust displaying how often he uses it.

"Lie down. I just gotta pee." He yawns, walking off to the bathroom.

I lay down on his bed and it instantly becomes my favourite place in the world. The mattress is so soft and comfortable.

The sheets smell like Ty. Like hope, happiness and unpredictableness.

I snuggle down into the bed, as Ty reenters the room. He lies down, his face facing my back.

"Goodnight." I whisper.

"Night." He whispers back.

After I know he is deep asleep I whisper. "I love you Tyler Townsend." Then, my eyelids grow heavy and I am asleep.

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Hi guys! I've been doing a lot of research for this story, so my head is a whirlwind of facts. I've probably done more research for a fan fic then necessary.

Thanks for all your love and support for this story. You guys are the best!

Hope you are having a lovely day where ever you are in the world! 🧡