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"Your approval?"
You suddenly sat up—grabbing your tank top that was messily strewn across your bed before putting it on. You even got up and turned off the music to hear this story—the only thing that kept going was the minuscule flames dancing above the many different scented candles placed all around your bedroom. You desperately wanted to know what the relationship dynamic between Dazai and Akutagawa actually was. You didn't hesitate to jump back into bed with Dazai; patiently anticipating Dazai's response.
"Yes," Dazai nodded his head. "He wants my approval. I moulded him to become that way."
"You abused him, did you not?" You furrowed your eyebrows as you said this. Every waking moment that you spent with Dazai felt like you were Alice falling down the rabbit hole, as you delved deeper and deeper into the wonderland that was Dazai's extremely complicated personality. He had so much depth to him. And it was even more intriguing to see the way that he presented himself now compared to when he was part of the Port Mafia. He was like night and day—except this Dazai was the line suspended between the two. He was manipulative. Extremely manipulative, and a man who didn't know how to guide someone without utterly destroying them. He didn't shape Akutagawa to be who he was, he traumatised Akutagawa to be who he was.
"I did." Dazai admitted wholeheartedly, as he set the massaging oil down on your bedside table. He sighed, rubbing his hands together, as he leaned back and rested his head against the headboard.
"Why?"
"Because I didn't know any other way to treat him or to help him grow." Dazai began to explain. "I may have been manipulative, but it was because I genuinely thought that allowing Akutagawa to use his strength was a good way for him to grow into himself and his powers. When I first met him, I knew that becoming stronger was Akutagawa's greatest chance of survival in the mafia—before that, he was a hopeless, scrawny little thing that I settled for because I wanted to feel something. I wanted to take on a new challenge."
You leaned forward imperceptibly, listening carefully to everything that Dazai had to say. You didn't know how you should feel. You would never judge Dazai for his dark past, but at the same time, you were shocked to hear of the cruelty behind his actions.
"I abused him. I tortured him. I made him hate himself." Dazai spoke, and it was like he had never genuinely uttered those words out loud before. Only now he was realising the true extent of the damage that he had caused to Akutagawa, but Dazai was not the type of person to regret a single thing that he had done, especially if there was somewhat of a justification behind it. "Because I just didn't know how else I could teach him. That boy has been soaked to the bones with violence, and I—myself had too much blood on my hands to think of another, healthier way, even if I did truly care for Akutagawa at the time."
