secrets ↠ demi lovato / 5h

[52]

that day, it's made clear that I have to eat all my meals with Demi and Naya. we had a long, long talk where I confessed to not eating properly and blamed it all on myself to get Naya out of the hot water. I established clearly that it wasn't her fault at all, because she honestly didn't know and couldn't help the long working hours she had been given. of course, Demi understood, and she somehow managed to get me to confess everything I had done, from the meal skipping to the lying to the games and tricks that I had played to get myself out of the situations where I had to eat. when we were done, I felt like I had been emptied out. my secrets were spilled out in the heavy air, and my shell had been ripped apart. it felt like when you peel a plaster back and the air feels strange on your skin, almost foreign, because it's been hidden for such a long time.

I retreated to my room under the pretense of needing time alone, where I pulled myself over to the bed and managed to sit myself on the comforter. I grabbed a pillow and screamed into it out of sheer frustration and annoyance, all directed towards myself. but whoever said that screaming helps to relieve the pain doesn't speak the truth because the only thing that it has done is made my throat hurt nearly as much as my chest does. it feels like my chest is being crushed and my ribs are slowly being pressed to breaking point, and my lungs vacuumed because all of a sudden, I find it hard to breathe. completely unexpectedly, my mood swings violently to snapping point. I grab a piece of scrap paper from the bedside table and crumple it into a ball, squeezing it tight into my right fist despite the creased edges digging into my flesh. I throw it at the wall as hard as I can, and my hand starts to hurt from the ball of paper. I want to die, I want to cease my existence on this planet and never live a day on this earth again. I don't wish to live and I certainly don't wish to spend another day as myself any longer.

I let myself fall backwards onto my bed as I stare up at the high ceiling, forcing myself to blink rapidly to make the tears go away. a swarm of emotions swirl around my head, clouding my brain and seeping into every corner of the organ that I have come to despise so much. I shouldn't have troubled Naya and Demi, and just stayed in Uniondale and probably ended my life there. that would save them the trouble, and the entire accident. but then I should also probably be grateful that they came to get me, because they basically risked their lives barreling down that highway to get me away from my mother.

I was so tired. so, so exhausted, and it was only 12pm. I could hear Demi in the kitchen cooking, for lunch I assumed, and Naya singing. I cover my eyes with my hands and sigh. why is it that everyone can be so happy, and I can't? there has to be something wrong with me. why can't I face my illness like Demi did, or just be exuberant all the time like Naya? everyone else was capable of being happy and cheerful, and people like Ally just radiated sunshine all the time. of course I've seen the happiest people break down and cry, but they're always okay afterwards. not like me. I felt the tears coming, and soon enough, my lips are trembling violently and I'm sobbing, my entire body racking with each cry. it's silent, and heavy, and I'm struggling to breathe again. I cry for as long as I can, until I run out of energy, then I turn over and fall asleep, still sniffling quietly.

---

in the afternoon, when I sit on my bed reading Eleanor and Park, my phone rings.

Lauren.

I picked up the call and set my book down, careful not to break the spine. "hi, Lauren."

"hey, babe. how're you doing?"

I sighed deeply as I bite my lip. "not very good. I mean, with my legs, I think I'm progressing fine, but it's the other stuff."

"Mani, shut up, I'm on the phone!" I hear Lauren call in the background before she returns to the phone. "do you wanna talk about it?" she asked, and I smile a bit at her words.