secrets ↠ demi lovato / 5h

[39]

late fall, 2014

tw // mention of ED

the next week Jaycee and I still hadn't made any official plans. it wasn't that I didn't want to do anything, it was just the fact that I had completely lost all motivation to do anything so I spent time lounging around in my bed, FaceTiming Demi, making all sorts of food for Naya and then never ate any, under the pretense that I ate while I was making it.

Naya was busy with Glee anyway - she left early in the morning and came home often after 8. I felt terrible - she was trusting me to eat properly and all that but I wasn't doing a good job, was I? every day she'd ask what I had and I'd just blatantly lie straight to her face and watch as she smiled, often proudly, and I tried to ignore the stab at my heart. she was so sweet, so caring, and if I was to say that I wasn't eating, she'd definitely try to find a way to help. but I didn't want to. she was so... naïve, which was a blessing and a curse at the same time. she never doubted me and yet I was taking advantage of that and basically violating her trust. Demi never really suspected anything, especially since I guess it's harder to read body language over FaceTimes that glitch like crazy if she ever has a bad connection.

God, I was a piece of shit, wasn't I?

I tore my eyes away from the white high ceiling I had been staring at while thinking, and rolled off my bed. it, too, was white, and every single piece of furniture in this room was basically just white. it was so bright, pure, happy, and contrasted so much with my mind and the thoughts I was constantly surrounded by.

9:19am.

I lazily rolled over and grabbed my laptop, waking it up and bringing up Facebook and a YouTube video. after I caught up on my subscriptions, I got off bed and jumped in the shower. 9:36am. everything was moving so slowly, like the day was going to drag on practically forever. I dressed with whatever was draped on the back of the chair (also white) in my room and shuffled out towards the kitchen in the furry slippers that I got on sale somewhere with Ally.

with a bottle of detox water and some carefully portioned celery, I sat at the kitchen counter on a plastic high spinning chair with my laptop and started going through my emails. I clicked on the first one from Jaycee (who was back in LA), sent with high importance, and took a gulp of water while scanning through it.

Dear Lea,

There are a couple of things I would like to let you know about:-

- Polished has emailed to say that they are ready to start filming in the New York studio, which is about a ten minute walk from your apartment. They would like to meet with you to discuss ideas and shoot a pilot episode, so please let me know which days you can make it.

- I have received a copy of your finalized single, and we need to choose a name for it as well as the release date. If you go to the studio anytime this week they'll have it on hand to play for you. Again, please let me know when you'd like to go to hear it and maybe to record more.

Jaycee.

------

"I miss you."

"I miss you too, babe."

I curled up on the couch with a throw draped over my legs. I was watching Cake Boss on mute as I lolled around on a long call with Demi.

"Naya said you loved the apartment," she said.

"yeah," I said, brightening up a bit. "it's amazing. it's so cosy too."

"I wish I could be there," she said, and I could picture her pouting. "I haven't even been there myself."