secrets ↠ demi lovato / 5h

[73]

I sat in the corner of the armchair in Taylor's living room, phone in my hand, a blank note on the screen in front of me. the late morning sun filtered through the curtains and the three pets - Meredith, Olivia and Buddy - lay around on the sofa lazily, soaking up the late summer sunlight. in the armchair opposite me, Demi sat with her Staying Strong book on her lap underneath a notebook and a pencil in her hand. she had headphones on, and for the first time in a while, looked peaceful as she wrote and wrote and wrote. in the kitchen, Taylor was making food. I could hear her playlist faintly through the walls, and smiled when I heard her singing along.

concentrating on what I'd set out to do, I let my fingers fly across my keyboard in two notes. one addressing the girls in the group chat, apologizing for suddenly cutting contact with them, and one to Lauren, apologizing for brushing her off and ignoring her. every word I typed I chose carefully, making sure it sounded just right. I couldn't screw up now. I didn't want to lose the girls. halfway though my second note, the one addressing Lauren, I lay back, resting my head on the armchair cushion and closed my eyes.

I still liked Lauren so, so much. there wasn't anything I could do about it. there is no way of retracing your steps and changing what's happened. I let myself fall for her, and I had to pay the price. if she was with Camila, I'd have to suck it up and deal with it. all I wanted was to see her happy. even if it meant that someone else was going to make her laugh, someone else was going to be bringing her joy. I just wanted to see the smile on her face and the way she sticks her tongue out when she laughs and her giggle. I just wanted her to be happy, even though it meant that I'd get torn apart inside. I'd do it all for her.

"guys," Taylor entered the room. "are you ready for brunch?"

Demi took her headphones off and put her things on the side table, standing up. "definitely!"

"sure," I said. "give me, like, two minutes to finish this up. I'm... talking to someone."

"of course," Taylor said, and I could tell that she understood what I meant. "is orange juice good for you, Lea?"

"yes," I said. "thank you."

Taylor and Demi went to start eating, and I continued typing. after reading the finished notes over multiple times and finally being satisfied with them, I copied them into the group chat and an iMessage to Lauren. then I took a deep breath, counted down from three and sent them. tucking my phone into the back pocket of my shorts, I headed out to join Demi and Taylor.

Taylor had made eggs benedict, grilled cheese and freshly squeezed juice. Demi already looked a lot better than she had in the past week, and I was grateful for that. I just wanted her to be happy. her face looked a lot brighter, and she smiled a little easier. internally, I thanked Taylor for being so gracious to us, especially Demi. I had no idea where we'd be and what we'd be doing if she hadn't let us stay. as we started eating, Taylor spoke.

"I'm going to go buy more food this afternoon, do you two want to come?"

"okay," I said.

"I think I'll pass," Demi said, smiling a little sadly. "I have some things to do... I'm sorry."

"no, it's okay!" Taylor said. "any food preferences?"

when Demi realized that she was going to buy food for us two, she spoke up. "Taylor-" Demi said. "I- we- we can't stay here for long and interrupt you like this, I mean- you're in the middle of tour, and we've just come in all of sudden-"

"no, no," Taylor said, setting down her cutlery. I watched as she reached over to touch Demi's hand. "Demi, you and Lea are welcome to stay for as long as you need. I still have time off before I go back on tour, and I'm more than happy to share the place with you two."

"but-"

"Demi. have you seen this place? it's a little bigger than I'd like it to be, and there's only one of me, and yes, I have two cats, but it does get lonely. please, you're not bothering me at all. and you know I love cooking for other people, so it's really a win-win situation."

Demi paused for a while, but finally said, "I can't find words strong enough to say thank you, Taylor."

"me neither, " I said.

"don't mention it," Taylor smiled. "Lea, should we go after we finish eating?"

---

when Taylor and I came back from shopping, it was already 5pm. we came through the front door to find Demi asleep on the armchair she was in before lunch. her book and notebook lay closed on the floor beside her, and her chest rose and fell in rhythm with her breathing. I helped Taylor to carry the bags into the kitchen and put the groceries away. then I went back to the room Demi and I shared, tossed my phone onto the bed, and then went for a shower.

the girls - Ally, Dinah, Normani and Camila, at least - had all replied earlier that afternoon while I was out shopping with Taylor, saying that it was okay and they understood and they'd missed me. but Lauren... she hadn't.

I turned the shower on, and let the warm water run down my back. Lauren was always on her phone, there was no doubt about it. for someone who advises others to 'look up', she didn't do it a lot. so that meant that she'd been ignoring me, which didn't feel good at all. how awkward would it be for four of the girls to forgive me and be willing to talk to me again, but for one of them to ignore me?

the worst part was that it had all been my fault.

I dunked my head under the water, holding my breath, squeezing my eyes shut. I wished as hard as I could that I could just disappear, rewind, restart. the wish turned into a mantra that I repeated until I couldn't breathe anymore, then stepped back out of the neverending stream of water and took a huge breath, coughing as I did so. for the rest of the shower, I spaced myself out, forcing myself not to think. I read all the labels on the bottles of shampoo, conditioner, facewash. I stared at my morphed reflection on the metal shower head, tossing the term cocamidopropyl betaine, a term I'd seen on one of the bottles, around in my mind. I tried to make words from it. I found that I was missing a 'U' to be able to form the word 'Lauren'. then I realized what I was doing, and tore my eyes away from the label. the stream of water from the shower now felt like knives, and I turned it off roughly. my heart ached with every beat.

once I had gotten dressed and wrapped my hair in the towel, I went back into Demi and my room. the only thing that had changed was that Buddy was now chewing on one of his toys on the bed. suddenly exhausted, I sat on my side of the bed and glanced over at my phone, lying facedown just next to me, where I'd mindlessly tossed it earlier. part of me was dying to check it, to see if Lauren had replied, but the more logical part of me told myself to just leave it alone, because it was probably more than likely that Lauren hadn't replied. and it was going to be better for me to avoid the pain of seeing an empty notification screen.

I hopelessly reasoned this to myself as I was reaching over to the slim, silver device and clicking the home button. and then, my heart started pounding.

Lauren - 2m: iMessage (8)
Lauren - 3m: Missed call (3)
Camila - 7m: iMessage (2)
Ally - 9m: iMessage
Dinah - 12m: iMessage (4)

Lauren!

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A/N:
hi babies!! sorry this update is so late :(( school just started so I've been struggling to write as much.

this chapter is dedicated to the one and only k666 ( halseyxbea ) the other half of satan's children. you have the most infectious cheery smile and make me laugh and we don't talk much but when we do it's cUTE and i enjoy it v v much!! (still shocked you don't think I'm annoying you tbh) AAAanD i love you!!! thank you for sticking with me and this fic (-:

xoxo