secrets ↠ demi lovato / 5h

[42]

you know when you're really nervous but you're supposed to be calm, so you're just kind of fidgeting and pretending that everything's okay but you jump at every little sound and flinch at any human contact?

when I went into the studio at 9 in the morning the next day, the people who said they would be there were already there. it was almost like everyone was anticipating some sort of showdown or rap battle or something. I told Jaycee I would be able to work on some songs until my mom arrived, and she reluctantly let me after I convinced her that I'd be okay. I got to discuss some lyrics with Lydia and John whirled up some fantastic chords to go with them, and for a moment the music transported me away from the impending nightmare and the foreseeable panic.

I came to realize recently that you can never really trust anyone in this world. unless you know this person back to front like your own hand, and it's one of those things that you feel in your gut, like what I felt with Demi from the very start and then Naya when I first met her. otherwise, it's always risky to divulge your life to anyone, who could easily turn around and stab you in your own back. technically speaking, you're all alone in this world. being tossed around multiple times between my mom, ex-stepdad and even Katelyn sometimes, I somehow realized that when it eventually all strips down to the bare basics of the human emotion and security, we are all alone. you can never fully trust anyone because humans are selfish creatures and it sounds so cynical, but screw it. this is how we learnt to survive.

Demi and Naya arrived at around 1, and I let them hear a bit of what I was working on, introduced them to Lydia and John, then I tried to go back to work until someone buzzed for me and said that she was here.

"deep breaths, Lea," Lydia said encouragingly as I stood up to go to the front to meet her. "we'll be here if you need to. remember not to push yourself too hard."

"thanks, Lydia," I said, taking a long breath as she suggested.

"you got this, Lea," John said, rubbing my head affectionately. "we'll all here for you."

"thank you," I said, managing to smile. Lydia and John didn't know the full story of what happened between my mom and I, but they knew she was ready to give me up and whatever it was, it was bad enough for me to have panic attacks and nightmares over.

with Jamie by my side, I passed the room where Demi and Naya were lounging on the couch, watching Dance Moms.

"she's here," I said to them hesitantly. Demi sprung up from the couch while Naya got up straight after.

"come here, baby," Demi said. I obliged. Demi cupped my face and bent down to eye level. "whatever happens today darling, I promise that I will never leave you. I don't want to scare you, Lea - but if we are somehow seperated, I will get you back. I promise. I am so f---ing proud of you today for meeting her, and I will always be proud of you. I think that it's safe to say I speak for Mom, Dad, Maddie, Dallas, even Amber, who we don't see that often, that you're precious to us and we treasure you. regardless of what she might say, you are worthy and you are loved, okay? I love you so much, sweetie, and you mean the world to me. whether or not you choose to reconcile, or make peace with her, I will support you every step of the way. oh, baby girl, don't cry."

I wiped tears from my cheeks. "t-thank you, Demi. I love you too. i-if I somehow don't m-make it, c-c-call the girls for me."

"you will make it, Lea."

she stepped aside to grab her purse, and Naya swooped over to hug me tight. "mija, I love you. as Demi said, I'm never going to leave you too. you have the both of us here with you today and for the rest of time, and this is my promise to you, here, that I will never leave. you mean so much to me and I really don't know what I would do if I lost you. I love you so much."