𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐲【𝐃𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐬𝐦𝐩 𝐖𝐚𝐫】

♛82♛

tw/cw: , existential themes?

I'm very serious about this guys, if any of this, even a tiny bit, makes you feel the slightest bit weird, uncomfortable, anything. Stop reading. Don't read the chapters with these warnings. I do in fact give them for a reason, and I'd hate for any of you to experience anything negative because I didn't provide good enough warnings. ♛

Note: This will end up being confusing, I'll say it now. It's an overall confusing topic, not one I haven't touched up on though. If you need a brief and simplified explanation, comment at the end of the chapter and I'll do so!
*At this point some lore is just going out the window, its hard to change it a lot*

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The short years I spent with Wilbur, Schlatt, and some sort of 'Dream' like person. Something was off, there wasn't anyway to avoid that. It felt like I was in a mindless trance sometimes, I'd disparate from the voidless afterlife into what seemed like my life, only every time each decision weighed heavier than the last. From what Technoblade, my Technoblade, had told me, I had been alive and walking for the past three or four months. It seemed strange though, I don't remember being 'alive' as people told me. 

Often times it felt like dying, over and over again, until finally reaching a positive outcome. To describe it, it felt like you were being torn piece by piece, and being mushed back together, not exactly reaching the perfection you used to be. Some things were off, parts of my memory had vanished without a second thought. Things about my children, my family, Technoblade. Certain things just ceased to exist. I couldn't remember my sons favorite colors, even when I tried to think hard about it, it was like someone had erased the answer. I wasn't sure why it happened.

I had long forgiven Wilbur for what he did, my past self knew he was mentally unstable, and would listen to whatever word I gave in that moment. When I was in the afterlife, I seemed to travel between the real world, momentarily stuck in limbo. I would see glimpses of events, be able to put thoughts in my half ghostly self, and Ghostess would act on them. I remember what Dream said to me, one of the first things we ever discussed in private before I died, about Schlatt, about the book. He stated that sometimes things were never as instantaneous, how he could manipulate the length of death a person had to pursue until they were brought back.

Perhaps he thought he was torturing me, leaving me dead and having to relive my old mistakes, my deaths, memories, all of it. Perhaps he thought this would allow him to break me further in order to command me with his own ambitions. Sometimes I thought he was right, that I would succumb to the burning pain that encased my entire being. I had watched through marigold toned lenses, the man attempting to kill my children, and myself letting him. Listening to him.

I wasn't sure why my ghost hadn't listened to me, or whatever half.. ghost thing I was within the duration of coming back to life. It puzzled me, why a different me was able to interact with things, I only served as a voice inside it's head. So many of my experiences felt fake, my time with Ranboo, who would be my son in-law, to Tommy and Tubbo. Even Dream. My half phantom self had killed him with my own judgement, something I craved for so long. Watching the man suffer as much as I had. I wondered how Niki was doing. My ghost never went to visit her, even if I had begged and longed for my friend.

Technoblade was standing in the doorway of our room, something that was still quite abnormal. My pain tolerance had lessened, every step i took felt like dozens upon dozens of needles being shoved into my skin, before being ripped out and punctured into the flesh again. He breathed out, before sitting next to my legs, rubbing my leg gently. Oddly enough, him touching me hadn't bothered me. 

"Are you feelin' any better? Think you could explain what happened?" He asked, turning to keep his eyes on my own, pity and regret shining through wine eyes. I breathed out, something that I took for granted. The last breath I took was sea water, or maybe it wasn't, I wasn't really sure any more.

"I don't know. I don't think I could describe it in all it's glory. I remember dying, and, often times I could almost possess my ghost, or whatever it was, in order to influence decisions. Of course it's gone now, I still don't understand how that happened either. I just remember feeling everything all at once. Every wound, death, just.. everything. Does that make sense?" I trailed off, playing with the hem of a woven blush sweater Techno had allowed me to wear.

He scrunched up his nose.
"What you described, about me not being 'your' Techno, in some way. Does that mean you like.. went through different alternate dimensions? You mentioned how some decisions kept repeating until you chose the right one, right?" I nodded in response, bringing my hand up to my head, tracing the cream horns that had appeared.

"So, what I think, I don't know if this is right. Dream, he has.. control, over this stuff, right? The book. He gave one to Phil, so we could originally resurrect you. Do ya' think he gave us the wrong information? I mean.. you were, alive, I guess, but I don't think you were entirely alive, conscious of your decisions. Actually, it reminds me of Ranboo, he's mentioned these 'sleep-walk' phases that he can't remember, but it's actions he's performed. Maybe that's how it works for you, just on a more major scale. Limbo might be where the connection was, right? Like.."

He trailed off, bringing his pink toned hands to hold my own, rubbing his thumb over the knuckles, removing them from my horns.
"That's how I'd describe it. I remember bits and pieces and I could influence.. whatever thing I was the past few months." He hummed for a second, sliding his hand to rest on my cheek, rubbing near my cheekbones now.

"You seemed different." Technoblade commented, moving towards me to press a kiss to my face.
"But, that's alright, you're here now, and we don't need to worry about whatever you were before now." His fingers fiddled with the ring which rested on my middle finger, tracing the intricate, woven designs. He breathed out a huff of air, his sharpened canines almost nicking his lip.

"Hey, Cy.. I have a question, and you don't need to answer now but.." again, he trails off, bringing both of my hands into his. I look at him oddly, staring down at our hands, before moving my gaze back up.

"I've loved you, for a very long time. I forget all of the reasons why, but I love you. right? Even despite all of this, you.. you dyin'. Not rememberin' parts of me, not rememberin' parts of you, who you are I just.." I hum lightly, squeezing his hands as a sign to continue.

"Maybe.. Maybe in the season, drunk and sentimental, I'm willing to admit a part of me, crazed and kamikaze, craving and ripe for anarchy, still loves you wholly. I can't imagine a life without you Cy, really, I can't." Technoblade hesitated for a second, moving into his back pocket, pulling out a small case.

"I just.. I want to spend forever getting high off what it feels like to be around you. The comfort, just, you. Everything about you is so intoxicating and special, and..." He paused, carefully opening the little box. I blink a few times  in shock.

"It was Phil's, you gave it to me a while back, said to pick the right person to spend my life with. Not now, not for a while, a long time, but.. just, can you promise me we'll be together in the end? Happily? Until we reach our own happy ending that's been deserved from the start?"

"I'm not sure how happy our ending will be, but regardless of what happens I will always be with you, I promise you that.

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aha.. Im a liar! :)