Chris and Co. Oneshots

Ball in a Box - Andy Barber x Reader

Warning: Grief, Angst, Sad Andy

For the last few years that you'd been with Andy you always knew there were two points in the year he needed you the most.

Today was one of those days. The weather seemed to mirror everyone's mood. Thick cloud cover making everything seem grey and muted. There was a stillness in the air when you woke this morning.

Opening your eyes you saw that Andy was already awake. This wasn't uncommon but usually he'd be looking over at you, a small smile playing on his lips. Today however he was staring up at the ceiling, arm raised hand behind his head. The other resting across his chest.

You could see the distant look in his eye as his jaw periodically clenched and relaxed. You gently reach over resting your hand over his, pulling him out of the thoughts that plagued him. His fingers interlaced with yours and he looked over at you a weak smile playing on his lips.

The two of you got ready for the day in silence. It didn't go unnoticed that Andy took longer in the shower than normal. Or the shaky breath he took as he fixed his black tie, when he thought you were too far away to hear him.

In the car you tried not to watch him, knowing he wouldn't want you to worry about him. Worry about how his grip on the steering wheel was so tight that his knuckles were white. Worry about how as you walked hand in hand, his step faltered when he saw Laurie.

You stood by his side, your thumb gently rubbing his hand. You never met Jacob, but when you watched Andy place the flowers on his grave. His eyes full of grief despite the neutral expression you knew he was fighting to keep, you felt yourself getting choked up too.

"Hi Andy" Laurie sighs her voice shaky.

"Hi Laurie, how- how you've been?" Andy asks.

"Good, me and Mike just got back from a vacation in Brazil" Laurie says running her hand through her hair.

"Nice, we've been thinking of going there" Andy says nodding down to you.

"Yes congratulations on your engagement" Laurie says smiling over at you.

"Thank you" you say with a small smile.

"I um better go, it was nice seeing the two of you" Laurie says before heading off out of the cemetery.

You look back up at Andy who was just looking at Jacob's grave. You take a step closer to him, putting a reassuring hand on his arm. He sighs moving his arm to wrap it around you pulling you closer into his side.

He takes a deep breath before looking down at you "lets go" he sighs.

For the rest of the day Andy remained relatively silent. You could probably count the amount of words he'd said on your fingers. You tried not to worry about him, you knew from experience that he found this day hard. Something felt different though, you weren't sure what though. It just felt like the universe was holding its breath.

That night you fell asleep with your head on his chest. His fingers running absentmindedly up and down your arm. You weren't sure how long you had been asleep, but when you woke up you instantly noticed that Andy was no longer in bed with you.

Getting up you grabbed one of his hoodies pulling it on before walking downstairs to go find him. You half-expected to find him in the kitchen but the house was empty. Walking over to the kitchen window you look outside into the backyard. Spotting him sat at the table, his back to you.

You grab the blanket from the couch before stepping out into the backyard. As you approach you see his hunched shoulders, whiskey glass in hand, the accompanying bottle beside him.

He flinches as you placed the blanket over his shoulders. He looked up at you in surprise before quickly looking away wiping his nose with a small sniffle. You stand next to him wrapping your arm around his shoulders, he leans over into your embrace.

"He would have been 18 today" he sniffles shaking his head.

"I just keep thinking about all the different things I would have done to celebrate" Andy continues with a shaky breath.

"Seeing Laurie today, she just seemed to be dealing with it so much better. I keep waiting for it to get easier but it doesn't" he finishes bending over his face in his hands as he sobs, his body shaking.

You hold him tightly as he cries, trying to find the right words to make it better. Knowing that you never could completely fix it.

"She probably felt the exact same as you" you start when his sobs begin to recede.

He looks up at you, uncertain whether he believed you or not. His bright blue eyes rimmed red, making a lump form in your throat at the sight if the man you loved in so much pain.

"Because it doesn't get easier not really, because there's nothing worse than losing your child. So much so that they don't even have a word for it, not like they do for widows or orphans" you tell him making him breath out a deep and shaky sigh.

"And that's okay, its okay that it doesn't get easier, it's okay to feel sad about it" you continue rubbing his shoulders reassuringly.

"I just- feel so guilty, the rest of the time I just go about my day and life without him, I feel sad occasionally but the majority of the time I'm fine, happy even" he sighs rubbing away his tears.

"That's the thing with grief, it's not constant it's like a ball in a box" you tell him making him look up at you confused.

You grab the chair next to you pulling it closer and sitting down next to him, taking his hand in yours.

"So it's a box, inside the box is a button whenever the button is pressed it makes you sad, also inside the box is a ball and this ball changes in size" you explain.

"In the beginning the ball is huge, taking up all the space in the box constantly pressing the button making you sad, over time the ball shrinks, it pressed the button less and less. But the thing is the ball never goes away, it's always there, sometimes its small sometimes its big which is why on some days you feel okay and some days you don't" you finish.

Andy gives you a small smile "the ball was pretty big today" he sighs.

"And that's okay" you tell him with a reassuring smile.

"Thank you, for everything, for today I wouldn't be able to get through today without out you" Andy sighs squeezing your hand.

You lean over and press a kiss to his forehead "it's nothing, I'd do anything for you I love you" you tell him.

"I love you too" he smiles pressing his lips to yours for a sweet kiss.